Monday, April 9, 2012

WWE Raw - April 9, 2012

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Oh shit, I forgot the Three Stooges* were guest stars on tonight's Raw. How the hell did that movie even get made?

John Laurinaitis officially has theme music now and it's pretty glorious. I'm sure it's some stock Killer Tracks that production directors use when producing spots for the Renaissance Fairs, but it's so over the top that it's fitting. Big Johnny (I'm sure creative finds that nickname hilarious, by the way) is talking about the new face of WWE, a dominant athlete not concerned with catchphrases and I was honestly expecting him to be talking about Lord Tensai (seriously), but no, it's Brock Lesnar!

And Brock Lesnar is here and we will wrestle John Cena at Extreme Rules... oh wow, they're not wasting any time are they? Genuinely shocked that they're even referencing Lesnar's time in UFC and the fact that he brings "legitimacy" back to WWE. Kinda like when they announced Kurt Angle as "the only REAL athlete in the WWF."

Lesnar starts talking, but doesn't get much out before John Cena returns the favor with THE SLAP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD! And here we go, PANDEMONIUM! CENA AND LESNAR! CENA AND LESNAR! TYSON AND AUSTIN! I MEAN CENA AND LESNAR! Cena's face is legitimately busted open and he looks like a vampire that just finished feeding. The two keep trying to get at each other, but the entire locker room rushes the ring and tries to keep them separated. Crowd adds the "LET THEM FIGHT" and we've got a magical opening segment, my friend. Marvelous!

Smackdown is LIVE tomorrow night with a "Blast to the Past" episode. Hell yeah.

Santino & Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger is our opening contest and my buddy, Ellis, just came up with the greatest thing ever, "Somebody call my Cobra." Pretty fun, if standard, tag match, but Clay's hot tag is pretty awesome and the crowd's really into it, so maybe this shtick has legs after all. As long as they keep him with Santino and give him real opponents, it should be enjoyable. Clay hits the big splash on Ziggler for the win and the internet begins whining in 3... 2...

John Cena's face is really messed up.

Cody Rhodes vs. R-Truth up next and let's keep the wrasslin' train rollin'! Sadly, it's not to be though, another interruption from Big Show (looking dapper in his new suit) lets R-Truth hit the Lil Jimmy for the win. Wait... his finisher is called the Lil' Jimmy?

Santino & The Three Stooges is something that could be amusing, in theory, but this movie should've never happened and I have no idea how it did.

Lord Tensai vs. Yoshi Tatsu up next. Tatsu issued a challenge to Tensai on Twitter last week saying he's not Japanese and Lawler responds with one of his best calls in years, "he doesn't claim to be Japanese, he DOMINATED the Japanese." Complete and utter destruction here and Tensai continues to look like a badass, winning by knockout. Loving this.

WWE Champion CM Punk is here to defend the title against Mark Henry, but first he's gonna rap with us, after school style. Punk and TitanTron Jericho argue a bit, but really, this whole thing is silly. Like, WCW-era Raven "I don't like chocolate milk!" silly. Thankfully, the World's Strongest Man is here to commence the wig splittin'.

Oh well, silly as it is, we are getting Mark Henry vs. CM Punk with the WWE Title on the line... except not. Action quickly spills to the outside where Punk smashes Henry with a monitor and causes an almost instant disqualification. BOO! At least we get more Jericho awesomeness, with him pouring two twelve packs of beer on Punk's unconscious body, which coincidentally, is the only way canned beer would be anywhere near me.

I really am not feeling this story, but if it were just Jericho pouring various beers and spirits on CM Punk, I'd be all for it. This story is very much a situation where WWE is telling rather than showing and that's unfortunate. We all know Punk is straight edge, Jericho pouring alcohol on him would illicit a massive "OOOOOHHHHHHHHH" from the crowd, but ten minutes of "your dad loves the sauce and many men have enjoyed your mother's vagina!" kinda kills the shock value. Hopefully Jericho busts out the fine wine next week, "how 'bout a nice Pinot Grigio, you stupid idiot?!"

Alberto Del Rio vs. Zack Ryder has potential to be fun, but way too short and Del Rio makes easy work of Ryder. Don't really have much to say about this one, a nice reminder that Del Rio is back and a sad reminder that Ryder is not.

Kane beats up the Three Stooges, including Will Sasso, who's doing a Hulk Hogan impression. Well, at least it wasn't the Bret Hart MadTV "shoot."

Mark Henry vs. CM Punk, no-DQ next week. Yay!

Backstage, Brock Lesnar brags about taking WWE and UFC to new heights... not so much about quitting when those new heights required a bit of extra work! I kid, Brock! I kid!

Cool video package for Triple H vs. The Undertaker at WrestleMania... buy the DVD, kids!

And our main event this evening is John Cena vs. David Otunga? Alright, Otunga has been pretty awesome lately, so I'll allow it, just seems a bit odd after weeks of The Rock and Brock Lesnar closing the show. Decent enough match, not really main event material, but Otunga looked solid, even though this was nothing but an excuse to get Lesnar back out here after Cena's win. Kick to the dick, F5, check the Jimmy John's logo, fade to black.

Well, that was all downhill after the opening segment. They should've opened with Cena vs. Otunga and ended with Cena and Lesnar being pulled apart. Lots of short matches, horrendous Three Stooges bits and my apathy toward Punk vs. Jericho didn't make for a particularly great show tonight. Lesnar vs. Cena is still huge and Punk vs. Henry should be wildly entertaining next week, but this show felt incomplete. Bummer.


  1. Starburns deserved a Kane beat down though.

  2. I'm glad Laurinaitis has new music. I did not like him coming out to Otunga's. I REALLY REALLY REALLY loath Otunga's music.

    1. Otunga's music is great just for him, but it was terrible when him and Mr. Imperfect were running around together.