Oh what the hell, let's live blog! Can't guarantee I'll make it through the whole show since 5 a.m. comes mighty early, but let's have some fun!
So Eve is an asshole now? She admits in front of a television camera that she was using Zack Ryder to get to John Cena and she's going to use John Cena to get famous? John Cena heard it all and heads to the ring, then recaps what happened exactly twenty seconds ago. Jesus Christ, John Cena has The Rock in 40-something days and we're wasting time with this? Really? John Cena calling a woman a ho, a skank, a bitch and STD-ridden? This is what we need to be doing? Way to BAStar, Johnny.
Jesus Christ, WWE. What on earth made you think that segment was a good idea? I'm all for pulling the plug on the Eve/Cena/Ryder love triangle, but holy shit, that was the absolute worst thing you could've done. The only way that could've been even more terrible is if Cena made her bark like a dog.
Anyway, Smackdown is live tomorrow. Last time kinda sucked, but we did get that awesome Daniel Bryan/Mark Henry cage match, and we're getting Bryan vs. Punk this time, so it can't be all bad.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry is our opening contest and hopefully Raw can dust itself off after that abomination of an opening segment. Fun match, but since it's a Raw match, it was too short. Sheamus picks up a definitive win with the Brogue Kick, good stuff to make him look like a beast in the lead up to WrestleMania.
The Rock's on Raw next week, maybe if he were on tonight, he could've saved us from that opening segmnet. Or he would've talked about Eve's pie.
Kofi Kingston & R-Trtuh vs. Primo & Epico up next in a non-title match. Another short one, but Kofi and Truth pick up the win. TrueBoom? Lil' Kofis? Spiders in Paradise? Whatever you want to call them, I'm fine with them teaming up through the Mania madness, but I'd like to see both guys get back in the title hunt in the Summer.
Ron Simmons is the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. Long overdue.
David Otunga vs. Ezekiel Jackson is up next to prove whether or not David Otunga can beat anyone on Smackdown. I'm cool with this, Zeke needs more to do and Otunga's been on fire lately, so let them do their thing. But Otunga picking up a decisive and clean win? Man, tough break for Zeke these days, but it definitely looks like they're getting serious about Otunga, which I'm totally fine with. Still, I miss ECW Zeke.
And finally, THE UNDERTAKER is here to make everything better. And he's wearing the Hoodie of Death™ to hide his new look. Classic Taker promo and he's getting through it like the consummate pro he is, despite the fucking morons in the crowd chanting "WHUT?!" Taker calls out Triple H and Mr. Suit and Tie surprisingly shows his face, despite being a total coward for the last three weeks.
Oh, and Taker screaming "SHUT UP!" at Triple H? Awesome. Pure awesome extract.
Triple H whines about how beating The Undertaker would be "bad for business," but Taker calls him on his bullshit and says "is it bad for business if I'm gone, or is it bad for business if you're gone?" I just felt a quiver in my leg. Oh and "you know you can't get the job done because Shawn Michaels was better than you." Ouch.
After a lot of grandstanding, Triple H finally accepts, on one condition... HELL IN A CELL. I did NOT see that coming, but yeah, that's how you do Triple H vs. The Undertaker again and keep people interested. Undertaker's smirk for Triple H falling right into his plan was a nice touch too. We didn't get to see the new look though, bummer. But seriously, HELL IN A CELL at WrestleMania between the two guys that defined the match? Well played, WWE.
Daniel Bryan vs. Santino in a rematch of sorts from last night, but since Triple H can be a little long winded at times, this one is pretty much a LeBell Lock. Easy win for mah boy D-Bry.
Alright, that terrible Divas match and the prospect of more John Cena are my cue to tap out on the live blog. If anything interesting happens, I'll finish the review tomorrow, but spoiler: Jericho wins and Cena makes gay jokes. And nothing tops Undertaker's awesomeness all week. Thanks for playing!
And we're back. I did actually catch the rest of Raw in bed and turns out, it was more eventful than I thought it would be.
Let's start with John Cena's promo, which was so good, it pissed me off. John, you're a stand-up guy, you're the face of the company, you dropped lines in this promo that you claimed would get you fined, so clearly you're in a position to veto certain stories... so why the hell did you agree to that horribleness in the opening minutes of the show? My only guesses are A. you only get to Ruck Fules once per show, or B. you didn't have any objections to it. If the answer is B, we need to have a chat because you're better than that. That video package of you working with the FCW guys, your Make-A-Wish work, you're clearly an awesome person, so stop calling women skankapotamus, please.
The promo was Reverend Cena at his best, although a little more fire and brimstone than usual. Of course, the crowd still booed him despite the fact that he's the one that stayed and The Rock's the one that left and pops in to occasionally pander, but that's just the way it's going to be for John throughout this feud. And just for the record, I don't have an issue with Rock leaving, but if it were any other two guys in the same situation, the crowd would make this an entirely different story.
The main event Battle Royal, while predictable, was really good for a battle royal... with the exception of the heartbreaking injury that happened to Wade Barrett. I missed it on first viewing, I was too busy freaking out over Dolph Ziggler's neck and body being several feet apart on the announce table. I was mortified when they brought out the stretcher, but then noticed it was Barrett who wasn't moving. I suppose it's fortunate that he didn't need the stretcher after all, but his arm definitely got messed up when Ziggler landed on him and the pain, agony and anger was abundantly clear upon re-watching. It's really upsetting to see someone who knows they just lost several months of their career, that's time he'll never get back and it's incredibly unfortunate. Get well soon, Wade!
As expected, Chris Jericho won the match, but seemed more concerned with checking on Barrett, which I thought was pretty awesome. And with that, the stage is set: Punk vs. Jericho, Rock vs. Cena, Bryan vs. Sheamus and Triple H vs. Undertaker: Hell in a Cell will be our quadruple main event at WrestleMania. That's a damn solid bill on paper, but WWE's got some work to do in the build-up.
Raw could've been good in spite of the obscenely short matches, the battle royal was great and the HHH/Taker bit, while guilty of its usual grandstanding, had an excellent payoff... but that opening segment was so bad, so intelligence-insulting, so pointlessly offensive, it put a bad taste in my mouth that didn't even begin to subside until Ron Simmons was announced for the Hall of Fame. I'll have more on that in a column later today, but it really hurt the show. It's WrestleMania season, WWE, you don't need to pander to the lowest common denominator.