Monday, January 2, 2012

WWE Raw - January 2, 2012

It's the second day of two-thousand-twelve (but cool kids say twenty-twelve), and it will begin. What is it? It's it.

What is it?

IT'S IT!

What is it?

YOU WANT IT ALL, BUT YOU CAN'T HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE IT!

IT'S IN YOUR FACE, BUT YOU CAN'T GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAB IT!

Yep, live blogging. Refresh your tab, follow me on Twitter in the other if you're so inclined.

Weird cold open for Raw with Cole hyping the WWE Title match then going to the video package, recapping Kane's "Cenas teh sux" from last week. And now Nickelback? C'mon WWE, you're killing me, we're over three minutes in and I haven't even seen the arena.

Here we go, finally starting 2012 with the arrival of John Cena. Contrary to popular belief, he does not suck, but he could use a little dusting off. John does his usual "hey guys, it's cool if you hate me, I still think you're great" shtick, which is really unhealthy at this point. C'mon John, it's like you're in an abusive relationship, dump these assholes, stay at your sister's, cry for a week and move on!

In ring action begins with the World Champion, Daniel Bryan taking on Cody Rhodes and this match should be awesome if given the time. And we're not even 25% of the way through Raw and Smackdown is already looking stacked this Friday. Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show with the World Title on the line and Cody Rhodes will defend the Intercontinental Title against Booker T? Definitely can't miss that show.

Match doesn't really get the time it deserves, but both guys look great. Bryan sneaks a roll-up and gets the win Bret Hart style. Put these two in the ring together at the Rumble and let the magic happen. What's up with Bryan's excessive celebrating though? I smell a bad guy.

Royal Rumble Recall to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the event? Love!

I also love seeing Wade Barrett throwing Randy Orton down a set of stairs. I think that image of Orton lying prone at the bottom of the steps will be my 2012 Christmas card. Barrett's in the ring celebrating his actions and promising that he'll win the 2012 Royal Rumble. I honestly don't think that would be too bad of an idea.

Santino Marella interrupts and reminds us that he lasted longer than Barrett in last year's Royal Rumble, he was the runner-up! Certainly more than enough to justify a match and it's already underway as I'm typing this sentence. Barrett makes easy work of Santino and finishes him off with the Bossman Slam, which he has redubbed "The Winds of Change." So we FINALLY found out what that was all about, the debut of his new finisher!

The Miz vs. Sheamus is up next, but Miz just comes in and DDTs the red off Sheamus's hair. Unfortunately, that will be the extent of his badassery tonight as Sheamus quickly recovers and sends Miz running into the crowd. Wait, the crowd? NO! Don't go in there, R-Truth used to do his entrance from there, he knows all its ins and outs, he's like Sean Connery in The Rock! Truth makes Miz get got and I get sad.

Looks like the WWE Championship match is coming up next for the 10pm main event, I thought It Begins would interrupt the match, but now I figure they'll save it for the end of the show. Hmmm. Great promo from Dolph Ziggler too.

Backstage, Zack Ryder & Jack Swagger are gonna throw down until John Laurinaitis interrupts and sets up a big six-man tag tonight with Zack Ryder, John Cena and Big Show (I think he said Big Show) taking on Jack Swagger, Kane and Mark Henry. Cool.

Here we go, 10pm main event time and the WWE Championship is on the line! CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler and this one should be huge. If they let this match, the six-man tag and "It" be all that's left on the show, this might be the best Raw of the year so far! If you'll forgive me, I'm going to step away from the live blog for this one and just enjoy it. You don't need my play-by-play, you should be watching it!

Hey, we're in commercial and so far, the match has been pretty awesome. Ziggler dropping Punk on the second rope was scary stuff, but Punk took it like a champ. Kicking Ziggler out of the ring, flat on his ass was a nice touch too. Ziggler catching Punk with an uppercut before he could hit the suicide dive was a nice touch too, it was like punching Bald Bull in the stomach mid-Bull Charge.

Much more balanced action as we return from break with Punk coming back from the brutal beating he was taking earlier. Punk starts to build momentum, but Johnny Ace makes his way to ringside to complain about a pad that came off a turnbuckle. Ziggler taps to the Anaconda Vice but the ref is distracted, Punk gets tossed into Laurinaitis, who pulls the rope down and causes Punk to get counted out. Ziggler is not the champion, but he's got two wins over Punk now and he stole the WWE Title! I do love a good stolen belt storyline.

The Bellas vs. Eve & Kelly Kelly next, but I'm too mesmerized by everyone's outfits to comment on the actual match. Eve & Kelly are the tangerine twins and the Bellas' outfits are defying the laws of physics. Bellas win, but seriously, how do they use the bathroom while wearing that?

And OMG, the end begins right now... and it's... creepy kids... creepy kids being creepy... and it's...



CHRIS JERICHO!!!!!!!!

NEUIGBRUIWBGRUIGBRUWGNUEIWNFOIWQDMQWOPDFMEWOPFGNEWRUIGBWRUGNIOWE!!e@#@%!!!!!%$&^%*()*

Chris Jericho is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he seems just as excited as me.

And he says... absolutely nothing. Instead, just slaps hands and walks away? Oh Jericho, you crafty bastard. The internets will twist themselves into pretzels trying to figure this out, but I assume that's the point. I'm going to refrain from speculating what it's all about because I think that would be disrespectful to Jericho. He never half-asses anything and is clearly crafting his story his way, just let it play out and enjoy. He's one of the few people who tries to trick those of us that think we're "in the know" without insulting our intelligence. Let's not insult his.

Main Event time! John Cena, Zack Ryder & Big Show vs. Jack Swagger, Mark Henry & Kane, except Kane is refusing to participate in the match, so now it's a handicap match. LAME! LAME! LAME LAME LAME! Show and Henry get into a big brawl outside, chairs come into play and they both get... eliminated? What? When did this become an elimination match? Easy win for Cena and Ryder after that and now I'm just even more confused.

Cue Kane after the match, who emerges from the ring and takes out Cena, then turns his attention to Ryder. That is a good way to get Cena to embrace the hate, kill his Broski by dragging him under the ring straight to hell/Hornswoggle's house. Cena saves the day just in time, but a huge ball of flame erupts from Kane's hole (that sounded wrong) and that takes us to the copyright.

Well, there was a bit too much awkwardness at the end there. Jericho's bit was certainly intriguing, but it probably needed to be followed up with something a little more lighthearted and fun, instead, the finale just fell flat. Definitely more of a "Folks, we are out of time! Tune in next week!" than I thought it would be, but I think it worked. Complain all you want, but you know you're going to tune in next week to see what Jericho's up to.

6 comments:

  1. I feel bad for Sousa's Marriage. :'(

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't wait to see someone eat a frickin' hat!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Two straight years the video leads to a return with no words spoken?

    One hell of an entrance but that was weird. Really interested to see who they set him up against. Last time he was supposed to save us from Orton....no idea where they are going this time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As promised since THE SYSTEM IS DOWN currently...

    http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b216/TheWeddingOfOz/thatsatastyhat.png

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good thing you brought your hat sauce to wash down that disgusting concoction... the hat probably won't taste very good either.

    ReplyDelete