Hey, it's a three-hour Slammy Awards edition of Monday Night Raw, I have to live blog, right?! Well... at least for part of the show. Let's have some fun.
Raw kicks off with Booker T & Hornswoggle presenting the "Tell Me I Didn't Just See That" award. Hornswoggle looks like C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man and is somehow even more offensive. Your nominees for this award include: JR's funky dance moves, Santino almost winning the Royal Rumble, The Miz impersonating The Rock and R-Truth just being R-Truth. Your winner?
Although R-Truth totally deserved it, it's about time JR got something for his troubles this year. And his acceptance speech includes the word "jiggy," so it's totally worth it. Unfortunately, it looks like this is a vehicle to continue his rivalry with Michael Cole. And now Booker T is suggesting a "rap off" between the two. Oh for crissakes. "Rap off?" WWE writers, you're so white.
So yeah, it's as bad as it sounds and possibly worse. Then JR does a Spinaroonie, which I will forever refer to as the Beef Jerkaroonie. Try JR's beef jerky sometime, it's delicious... even if "try JR's beef jerky" sounds slightly suspect. Aaaaaaaanyhoo, JR wins the segment for having a great sense of humor, but we lost 18 minutes of our lives watching that. When you're laying on your deathbed, think of what you could've done with that time. You could've watched a good portion of your favorite sitcom episode. You could've ate a delicious cheese spread. You could've masturbated... twice. Sorry buddy.
Now Mick Foley & Ted DiBiase (the good one), are out to present the Holy $#!@ Moment of the Year. By the way $#!@ stands for shit. C'mon, you got Mick Foley and The Million Dollar Man in the same building and you don't open with them?! Anyway, our nominees include Sheamus murdering Sin Cara, Evan Bourne hitting the SSP off a ladder outside, Mark Henry's ring imploding Superplex and Randy Orton hitting Christian with the RKO on steel stairs. The winner is...
Mark Henry & The Big Show! Obvs.
Big Show accepts the award, even though he was the victim of that move, but hey, The Man™ is always holding Mark down.
Wade Barrett vs. Big Show winds up being our opening contest and... the majority of it takes place during commercial. Bummer, I genuinely wanted to see these guys kick the $#!@ out of each other, I think they'd have a fun brawl. Big Show got to do his famous "I PUNCH CHAIRS! RAWWWWR!" bit, which was pretty cool. He also broke a table with his bare hands and I think between those two spots, he sliced his eyebrow open. Big Show is awesome.
Next up, the "Pipe Bomb of the Year," presented by THE ROAD DOGG?! WHAT THE WHAT?! The Road Dogg?! WTF! Thought he was dead. LoL.
Okay, full disclosure, I forgot about that line until they showed it in the video package, along with all the other funny lines this year. And I totally forgot about Confederate R-Truth, who should win on that alone.
But of course, it goes to CM Punk, who gives us an awesome Johnny Ace video package, complete with Radtacular 1980s Dynamic Dudes footage. Best use of 80s footage at the Slammy Awards since Vince's "STAND BACK!"
And now LITA is here for the "Divalicious Moment of the Year." And in a year with moments like Natalya's double Sharpshooter, Beth Phoenix kicking everyone's ass and Kharma's debut, the award goes to Kelly Kelly's victory roll. Oh please.
Santino and The Bellas are out next to present OMG! Moment of the Year. I'm not sure how that's different from the Holy Poopies Moment of the Year, but apparently it's the more SUPER SERIOUS award. Your nominees are: Triple H Tombstoning The Undertaker, Rock Rock Bottoming John Cena at WrestleMania, the Superstar Walk Out that I never wanted to be reminded of ever again, and CM Punk leaving with the WWE Championship. Your winner?
HHH Tombstoning The Undertaker, because The Rock isn't here, the Walk Out was the worst WWE story in years and CM Punk already won one. Oh and it's time for Triple H to be on the show. Yay? In case you forgot, Triple H is a TOTAL badass, but he's also got a quirky little sense of humor, but he's ANGRY! RAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! Hunter, Hearst and Helmsley are each their own distinct personalities. Oh and he has to bully Santino at the top of the stage for funsies. Let the eye rolling commence.
Here to present for "Trending Star of the Year," David Otunga & Tony motherf'n Atlas! But the four nominees will compete in a Fatal Four Way later tonight and whoever... trends the most? Wins? I think? The nominees are Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder. At least the match should be awesome.
And that match is on right now, Zack Ryder vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler! And surprise, surprise, WWE is giving it time and it has been fan-friggin-tastic so far. Shocking what happens when you let four hard working, very talented wrestlers go out there and do their thing. They've gotten two commercial breaks so far and they're totally killing it.
Awesome, awesome match and easily a nominee for one of my personal awards, the TV Match of the Year. Ziggler won the match, but Ryder won the Slammy... and got a Zig Zag for his troubles. Can't wait to see these guys lock up on Sunday, but Ryder deserves to win the US Championship at WrestleMania. C'mon WWE, you can carry this story for another three months, Ryder has plenty of a momentum and charisma to pull it off. Plus, it'll be great advertising for my WWE '12 story! Download it!
Christian returns to present "Game Changer of the Year," and he's out on crutches and in a neckbrace to ask for one more title match. He's like a meth addict looking for a fix. Anyhoo, the nominees are Triple H and Vince McMahon for the three week boss change, Edge for retiring, Kevin Nash for being surprisingly awesome and John Cena & The Rock for planning a WrestleMania match a year out. The winner...
The Rock & John Cena. Another obvious choice and I'm still impressed they've managed to keep this story simmering this whole time. Cena's out to accept the award and calls for The Rock to join him on stage, but of course we all know that's not happening. And LOL to wrestling fans, booing the guy who actually showed up and cheering for the guy who couldn't even send a message via satellite.
Alrighty kids, I'm tapping out on the live portion of this live blog. I'll review the final hour of Raw tomorrow. In the meantime, feel free to comment and leave your thoughts on the show. Thanks for understanding my need for sleep.
*And we're back! Now with added past tense!
CM Punk & Randy Orton vs. The Miz & Alberto Del Rio was our 10pm main event and I'm loving the addition of The Miz to the Punk/Del Rio feud. Miz deserves to be back in the title picture, he can have an excellent war of words with Punk and the two have been kept surprisingly far apart since their brief ECW feud that no one remembers anyway.
Match was pretty typical for the Raw main eventer tag team mishmash, except this time the bad guys actually got to win. Wade Barrett making Orton look like a chump is never going to upset me and the two challengers looked very dangerous at the end of the match. Although did I hear Cole say the TLC match on Sunday will be pinfall and submission? Lame!
Another Kane promo and I'm pretty sure I saw an image of John Cena shatter in the mirror. One, two... Kane is coming for you...
Vickie Guerrero & Goldust were out next for the A-Lister of the Year Award, which went to Snooki. Other nominees included The Muppets, Hugh Jackman and Cee-Lo Green, and while The Muppets totally should've won, I have no issue with Snooki in WWE. Sure, Jersey Shore is terrible and it's a sad commentary on our culture that she's famous, but she did well in WWE. Her match at WrestleMania was harmless fun and did exactly what she needed to do, so kudos to the Snookster.
Oh and Goldust totally needs to get involved in this Booker T/Cody Rhodes feud. Goldust retiring at Mania against Cody would be... gold. Sorry.
Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal almost got me to turn off the TV and just go to bed, but luckily I held on. More on that in a minute.
Rey Mysterio returned to present Superstar of the Year, which rightfully went to CM Punk. Aside from Mark Henry or perhaps even The Rock, no one else should have even been in consideration. 2011 was Punk's year: he did his damnedest to sell Nexus t-shirts through WrestleMania, got watchable matches out of Randy Orton, had more awesome matches with Rey Mysterio, and then everything he did between Money in the Bank and today. It was Punk's year... but a serious argument could be made for Mark Henry, just sayin.
Johnny Ace accepted for Punk, but I'm still not sure where they're going with this. Austin vs. McMahon it's not... it's not even Cena vs. Bischoff. The evil authority figure and his struggles getting the top star to conform to the rules has run its course. Punk's doing his best with it and the Dynamic Dudes video was a fun nod to old school fans, but I'd much rather see him mixing it up with The Miz.
Another cryptic "It begins" video with the creepy little boy saying "she holds the mystery of my arrival, of my rebirth..." and let the theories continue! I've seen some pretty ridiculous ones, none quite up there with "it says "STING" in the smoke of 2.21.11!" but close. Just for an example, I've seen someone suggest it's The Undertaker & Michelle McCool, because WWE would totally ruin Taker's cred by having him hang out with the "FLAWLESS!" chick. Other guesses include Vince & Stephanie McMahon and Brock Lesnar & Sable. Seriously.
My guess? It's a WWE hype video, it only has to make as much sense as they want it to, which could be none at all. It's fun to speculate, but don't get yourself all hyped up when and then get pissy when it turns out to be The Undertaker doing his usual thing. The only reason I'm not 100% convinced it's The Undertaker is that I doubt he has a YouTube account. Hey, maybe Tori is coming back with Kane!
Speaking of which, I did not see the early Kane return coming, nor did I think he'd actually come back with the mask. I've been mocking the idea of the mask making Kane cool again, which has been a universally accepted opinion in the community since he took the thing off, but I was wrong... it was awesome. In my head, it just seemed like it would be a "BUT SHE'S GOT A NEW HAT!" stunt, but if there's one thing WWE can almost always do right, it's make a first impression.
The whole reveal was done perfectly, with WWE basically saying "oh you want a mask? Here's TWO, fuckers!" made Kane look positively badass. The welding mask/Predator combo was creepy looking, then the reveal of the new, Michael Myers-inspired classic Kane mask totally played at my horror fan heartstrings. You clever bastards, you always know exactly how to sucker me in. Sure, it's still Kane and the character has been "just there" for years and I don't know if that will change, but damn, that was cool.
And oh yeah, John Cena vs. Mark Henry was happening along with all this, but it was clearly just a backdrop for Kane's big return. I commented on Twitter last night that it was bizarre for Cena to not have a match or story heading into TLC, but it looks like he'll have his hands full with Kane before we get on the Road to WrestleMania. I can live with that.
This was one of those Raws that wasn't good, but gave you just enough to actually enjoy it. The Fatal Four Way was a phenomenal match, the Slammys were fun (if predictable) and Kane provided one of those moments that was cool enough to get you to ignore the preceding 120 minutes and remember the show for the ending. Nice save, WWE.