Hey, it's a Raw live blog and I don't even have time to type an intro for it, Raw goes live straight to the Cajun Dome, commentary announces a massive 12-man tag main event and we're starting off with a match!
And blah, it's a Randy Orton match and he's taking on Drew McIntyre. Poor Drew McIntyre. Randy is running roughshod through the man who was once referred to as the "Sinister Scot," beating him from pillar to post and then throwing him into the barricade for good measure. To his credit, McIntyre is taking this beating like a man, landing square on his neck each time; hey, if your only chance to break out is to get your ass kicked like a champ, get your ass kicked like a champ. Drew got a good boot to the face in there, which I always appreciate when Orton is on the receiving end, but you know the story here: rope-DDT, RKO, Rev Theory plays, then Randy hits another RKO because he's such a hero, the end.
But COMMENCE THE WIG SPLITTAGE, the World Heavyweight Champion has arrived! Mark Henry flaunts his title belt (fantastic dick move) and we got ourselves a brawl! Vintage "let them fight!" kind of brawl with security trying to keep the irresistible force from meeting the immovable object, but Orton gets the advantage and dumps the champ over the barricade. Whatever, you can't get the job done when it counts, Randall.
And Orton can't keep the big man down, he's so badass, he's going to wrestle a match! Mark Henry vs. John Morrison is our second match of the evening and Booker T describes the match perfectly, "I call it a buffet, Mark Henry's about to eat." Indeed he is, Book, indeed he is. Morrison gets a nice flurry of offense, even hits a picture perfect Starship Pain, but Henry throws him off like a blanket. Today's John Morrison's birthday (hey, two days before mine!), and Mizark has a very special present for him: the World's Strongest Slam! And another World's Strongest Slam! He should've hit Morrison with 32 slams for his birthday.
After the match, Henry tells Orton he's done with him (good) and turns his attention to the Big Show, who is returning this Friday night on Smackdown. That should be fun.
Now, David Otunga, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, Vickie Guerrero, Cody Rhodes and Alberto Del Rio are in the ring to express their legitimate grievances with Triple H. David Otunga is considerably less awesome without his bow tie, but Cody's classic IC Title more than makes up for it. These Superstars are claiming that Triple H has created an unsafe working environment... which isn't that part of the deal? You're grown men fighting other grown men, it's kinda unsafe by definition. Just sayin, guys. But you're right, Triple H is a huge asshole.
Triple H makes his way to the stage and brushes off these legitimate concerns, telling them to "shut up and fight." See, he just proved me right, huge asshole!
Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Divas of Doom is our Diva portion of the evening and while we're redesigning titles, how about a new belt for Beth Phoenix? Let's replace the butterfly with, ya know, a phoenix? And hey, the match is over. Kelly viciously assaults The Glamazon, slamming her head repeatedly into the announce table and gets herself disqualified. Not bad, but let's be honest, it's hard to take a savage beating seriously when Kelly's theme music starts playing.
Backstage, Triple H tells Johnny Ace to get the roster to the ring for a staff meeting. Hope he sent someone to get bagels and coffee from Panera.
Jinder Mahal is in the ring, for some reason, and is thankfully interrupted by the returning Santino Marella! One COBRAAAAAAAAAAA! later, Santino is 1-0 since his return!
A Brodus Clay vignette? Odd, but I'm not opposed. I still don't know why they removed him as Alberto Del Rio's muscle, they worked well together.
Footage from after the Hell in a Cell main event is shown with The Miz & R-Truth looking like the most badass badasses that ever badassed. Their voluntary surrender once the door was opened was glorious. Pure, organic dickishness with no added fillers.
12 Man Tag Match is your 10pm main event with *deep breath* CM Punk, John Cena, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne & Mason Ryan (really, Mason Ryan?) vs. Alberto Del Rio, Cody Rhodes, Christian, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler & David Otunga. *exhale*
These matches are never easy to write about without devolving into "A BUNCH OF SHIT IS HAPPENING!" so please bear with me. Right now, Dolph Ziggler just slapped Huge Jackedman in the face, and he got military pressed over the top rope (REAL STEEL STYLE!) for his troubles.
Sheamus & Swagger have a fun little exchange, which leads to JR shouting "HE'S CLUBBERIN!" Then Cody & Punk going at it and JR mentions Rhodes being forced to wrestle "IN GUCCIS!" Who needs all the main event talent (and David Otunga) in this match when JR has been the star?
Evan Bourne gets the hot tag (in a match with Cena, Sheamus and Punk!) and nails Swagger with the Shooting Star Press! Vickie saves the day by putting Swaggie's foot on the rope, but the ref sees it and ejects her! It's almost like WWE is plotting this clusterfuck just for me, I love a good ref ejection!
And another commercial break, I have a feeling this match will just go to the main event staff meeting, half the roster is already out there.
Bad guys have grounded Bourne during the break, he makes a game-saving tag to John Cena, but even Cena is no match for the pure evil in the lower right hand corner of the screen. Booker T credits Christian, the tag team specialist, for their good fortune and I LOVE little touches like that on commentary, adds to the match and the participants.
Sheamus with yet another hot tag and he's a house of fire, dominating Dolph Ziggler, but Christian interferes and we've got PANDEMONIUM! Spear on Sheamus, Cross Rhodes on Evan Bourne, Cross Body from Kofi on Swagger & Rhodes, German Suplex from Del Rio onto Kofi, Go To Sleep on Del Rio, Neckbreaker (lol) from Otunga to Punk, Attitude Adjustment on Otunga, Zig Zag on Cena, I lost track of what's happening, BROGUE KICK ON ZIGGLER! GOOD GUYS WIN! TOO MANY LIMES!
WOW! That was exhausting, but tons of fun, and almost 40 minutes of action.
And that 40 minute match should help ease the sting that our main event tonight is a WWE staff meeting. Come experience the thrilling excitement of shit you deal with everyday at work! I hope there's a PowerPoint presentation!
The entire WWE Roster (refs included) surrounds the ring as Triple H awaits his vote of confidence. Wade Barrett says his piece, Mike Chioda even chimes in, and Beth Phoenix speaks on behalf of the Divas, but it seems like the returning Jerry Lawler is on Triple H's side. But King says someone is working behind the scenes to sabotage Triple H's job and it's causing problems and The Game can't control it. The baddies, referees and Divas vote no confidence and Lawler leads a walk-out! The entire locker room walks out, even Booker T, the only person staying behind is JR... who I suppose is now the default WWE Champion. Nope, he walked out too. WWE has seriously set up a situation where everyone except Triple H gets booed... and you thought 2002 was bad!
A ridiculous (but still intriguing) ending to an otherwise fantastic show. I don't know where they're going with the entire company walking out on Triple H, but the show was really good. That 40-minute tag match was a real highlight and I'd love to see the whole match without commercial interruption somehow. Put that on WWE.com!
Still, the show is just shy of perfection because it ended with everyone getting booed except Triple H. Triple H gives this impassioned speech about how he's "old school" and people need to just "shut up and fight," but he's not the good guy in this situation. He HAS let things get out of control and even if he's being sabotaged, he totally overreacted to the Miz/Truth situation. Hell, Triple H did worse than that during his last heel run! So I'm a little weary of where this is going, but I love a good mystery and if the payoff is good (i.e. not Johnny Ace), it should be a fun ride. But yeah, ridiculous.