And with the relaunch of Kick-Out!!, the Raw live blog returns! Refresh your page for ongoing coverage and follow the Twitter feed for the ongoing absurdity.
And we begin with the COO, HHH! He's also the King of Kings, which I guess would make him the KOK. Massive reaction for The Game, even though he's a megalomaniac, who committed the gravest of sins in the history of professional wrestling... he fired The Miz. Heresy! So Triple H fined TruMiz half a million dollars and used them to get one more main event... wow, that's kind of a dick move. Who is he, Jeff Jarrett?
Luckily, Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero are here to save the day from this megalomaniac, but Dolphy Z is suffering a jaw fracture after getting punched by Wolvie. Hey, that adamantium skeleton is no joke.
Cody Rhodes joins the party next, also the victim of a disgusting attack last week, when Randy Orton made his head go splodes. Staples? Yeah, Cody's got them... nine in his head, actually. Triple H brushes him off, saying he should go attack Orton on his front lawn like a real man would. Maybe he should break JR's arm like a real man would?
Christian's out next, continuing the insurrection, but he's not getting his well-deserved title shot, instead he has to fight Sheamus on Sunday, Randy Orton on Friday and John Cena tonight. Well that hardly seems fair, clearly there's a conspiracy afoot.
Dolph's not getting off easy either, he has to defend his US Title tonight against Zack Ryder. Hey, that's not fair either, at least make it Title vs. Title with the Internet Championship on the line!
And now Cody Rhodes has to defend the IC Title in a 10-man battle royal?! Oh come on, clearly Triple H is coming apart at the seams. He doesn't have the composure for this job!
Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal is our opening contest and these are always the hardest matches to write about, so let's make it even worse by involving both Sin Caras! Bodies are flying everywhere very quickly and we're already down to the final four as I write this sentence: Sheamus, Ezekiel Jackson, Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. That was fast. Rhodes dumps DiBiase, outsmarts Big Zeke and it's down to just him and the Celtic Warrior! Sheamus, like his hair, is on fire, but Christian provides the distraction and returns the favor from Smackdown and Rhodes retains! Christian sneaks in a few shots and asks Sheamus how it feels to be cost a shot at a title. I would assume not good. Not good at all, sir.
Kelly Kelly & Eve vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya up next and the Divas of Doom finally have spiked shoulder pads! Natalya is annihilating Eve right now, locking her in a nasty submission move that I honestly don't know the actual name for. Almost like an Indian Death Lock meets the Haas of Pain and it's beautiful. Kelly gets the hot tag, but The Glamazon is a bucket of ice water; Polish Hammer to the face, Glam Slam and Beth Phoenix easily defeats the Divas Champion. Clock is ticking, Kell!
And we're moving right into our next match, The World's Strongest Champion, Mark f'n Henry vs. The Great Khali. Khali's been oddly decent lately and Mark Henry is the best thing going in professional wrestling, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by this match. Khali comes into ring all smiles, but gets a title to his skull and a World's Strongest Slam. Okay, the match doesn't actually happen, but that was awesome nonetheless. "YOU GONNA MAKE ME PAY A FINE?! EVERYONE'S GONNA PAY!" I am not joking when I say this man is the best thing in wrestling right now.
Hey everybody, it's John Cena, who is inexplicably WWE Champion. I've been away for a little while and I haven't really got to express my opinion on the fact that John Cena winning the WWE Title at Night of Champions was really, really stupid. I like John Cena, but I just don't get it. Cena vs. Del Rio vs. Punk at Hell in a Cell? That makes sense. Cena regaining the title in that match would make some sense, but winning it back at NOC? Yeah, pointless. We shall see though, I expect a big match, even if Cena's sell is a little over the top here.
John Cena vs. Christian is our 10pm main event, with CM Punk & Alberto Del Rio on commentary. Match starts off very fast paced, big baaaaaaack body drop from John Cena, NASTY tornado DDT from Christian and the crowd is red hot! Of course, we're getting all the exciting stuff out of the way so Del Rio can run in and cause the DQ finish. Surely we'll get an impromptu tag match with Cena and Punk against Del Rio and Christian? No, just a really uninspired promo about hell from Del Rio. Get it, because Hell in a Cell?
Ah, Del Rio vs. Punk later tonight.
Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler, US Title is on the line and I want to root for Zack Ryder, but he used Hugh Jackman to get this title shot, how can I cheer for something so despicable? I mean come on, did you see Kate & Leopold?! Jack Swagger finally gets on board with the idea of Cougar's Cubs and helps Ziggler retain, but as they're beating down Ryder, Air Boom makes the save and holy shit, we have a genuinely interesting Tag Title feud! Teddy Long comes out and decides to keep the party going like only T-Lo can, six-man tag match, playa! Cubs gotta find a third man, but the match is next!
Looks like there's no luck for the Cubs, it's Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne & Zack Ryder in a 3-on-2 handicap match. Blah to the handicap match, they could've at least dragged out Heath Slater, he would've been a good fall guy.
Instead, Vickie finds Beefy Hugh Jackman... oh wait, that's Mason Ryan! But Ryan isn't on their side, he obliterates Ziggler and Swagger?! Well, that seems slightly unnecessary, but it does allow Zack Ryder to pick up a second pinfall victory over the US Champion!
Backstage, David Otunga is leading an insurrection with all the people Triple H has wronged tonight. That's right, he's getting OSHA involved!
Main Event time! CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio, at least I think it's the main event. It's a going on a little early for Raw, but this match should be excellent if given enough time. John Cena is on commentary and all the entrances put this at a more typical start time for a Raw main event. Can't see this one ending without serious shenanigans though, perhaps even an appearance from our Conspiracy Duo?
But hey, rock solid wrestling with no shenanigans? Okay! Punk and Del Rio go back and forth, but Punk connects with a NASTY kick to the skull and picks up a clean 1-2-3 victory! The Hell in a Cell lowers while Punk and Cena tee-off on Ricardo Rodriguez, but Del Rio DESTROYS both of them with a steel chair. Okay, so SOME shenanigans after all. I guess they're saving TruMiz for Sunday?
Overall, a pretty good Raw. Lots of storyline advancement, but perhaps more importantly, great character advancement. Motivations are clear, goals have been stated, people seem to have a purpose, which is something that's been lacking from WWE TV as of late. The wrestling wasn't bad either, nothing knock-your-socks off amazing, but perfectly acceptable for weekly TV. Maybe my wrestling detox helped, but I thoroughly enjoyed this show. What did you think?