Monday, August 29, 2011

WWE Raw - August 29, 2011

So yeah, I kinda forgot to review Smackdown this weekend. Forgive me, I spent the weekend in a drunken stupor, acting like a teenager for my bachelor party. I don't say this to sound cool and do the typical white guy "I drank soooooooooo much dude!" thing, I just say it to excuse my slacking. That's right, I blame my problems on alcohol.

And you know how people say that bachelor parties are a groom's last night to go out and get crazy? That's kinda true. Not in the cliché "last night of freedom" kind of way, because my fiance and I actually combined our parties. Why? Because I've worked at a strip club, and once you see how the sausage gets made, you suddenly don't want to eat there anymore. And if the goal is just to go out and get wasted, why not do it with the person you love and have a damn good time? But it is the last night to go out and get crazy, because after a night like that? Yeah, I'm pretty much good on the whole binge drinking thing.

Which brings us to Smackdown. I watched the show yesterday while I was sprawled out on my couch, unable to sit up or stand without brain matter pouring out of my tear ducts. Nothing on the show caused me to vomit, but it wasn't really anything worth staring at my criminally bright laptop screen. Thank you for your patience during this uncharacteristically personal tale, let's get RAW.

TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! MUHUHAUAHUAHUA! Triple H is kicking things off, I'm sure you're shocked by this rare event. Okay, I may be a bit snarky there, but Triple H just announced that in order to continue WWE's success, the Superstars of Smackdown will be joining Monday Night Raw. Uh... what?! Did we just end the brand split? At least on Mondays? Kind of a weird way to just drop that bombshell, but I assume we'll get some clarification later tonight. Although if there's only one brand, surely that means it's time to merge the belts?

We'll cross that bridge when we get there, I suppose. HHH turns his attention to Kevin Nash, but instead gets the much more interesting, CM Punk! Punk wants Triple H to stop lying and admit he's in cahoots with Nash, but here comes... the nWo?!

Okay, it's just the nWo music for Kevin Nash, but that's still pretty cool. It's such a badass tune and shouldn't be sitting on a shelf somewhere or in some nerds iTunes library (guilty). Nash admits to lying about the car wreck last week, but didn't lie about the mysterious text (which isn't nearly as cool as a mysterious Hummer) and announces that Johnny Dynamic Dude signed him to a lucrative WWE contract. Triple H wants Nash to leave and Kev says he's happy to sit at home and get paid (Hi Atlanta!), which HHH isn't going to agree to. Things get a little too whiny between these two, so CM Punk starts puking. Punk celebrates the return of "The Kliq," and says "click" is what remote controls do when Kevin Nash pops up on their screen. BURN! And shocking, CM Punk vs. Kevin Nash is booked for Night of Champions and then they ruin this little moment by bringing out Randy Orton.

Luckily, it's just for our opening match, Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler, but c'mon, did we need to bum me out before the first commercial break? So far, so good, Dolphy Z is totally whipping Orton's ass and hits the Zig-Zag on the floor! Orton just makes it in at 9.5, but I was counting at home and he was out there for like seven minutes!

Of course, all good things must come to an end and all Randy Orton matches come to a heartbreaking finish: a Randy Orton win. A hell of a match though with a slick back and forth finish. It's quite upsetting that Orton's matches have been so good lately, but when you only wrestle guys like Christian and Ziggler, it's difficult to suck.

And here comes John Cena to chat about Alberto Del Rio, but instead, he gets MARK HENRY! John Cena gonna get his jorts split! Big Bad Mizark promises that he'll be the next World Champion, but that's the cue for the current #1 contender, Christian! Christian trash talks, John Cena makes poop jokes, fights are about to happen, but Sheamus makes the save and it looks like we got an impromptu tag match on our hands. Or not, Christian hightails it and Mark Henry follows. Backstage, Dean Douglas's running buddy makes the match anyway, but Triple H reminds him that he makes the matches. Oh, are unnecessary power struggles the new G?M chime?

But that match is later, CM Punk vs. The Miz is next. What?! That's like WWE making me decide which child to save when they're both dangling from a cliff. The Miz treats us to a little mic work before the match and if it's a pipe bomb for CM Punk, it's a paintbrush for The Miz. I don't even want to see these guys wrestle, just have them yell at each other for 20 minutes. Hell, I'd buy that on PPV.

Excellent back and forth 10pm main event between these two, but if you thought you'd see a clean finish in this one, you must be new here. Nasty Macho Man elbow on Miz's skull, GTS time, but here comes R-Truth! CM Punk is not Lil Jimmy Proof and the numbers game becomes to much, especially when Kevin Nash "lumbers" to the ring. A good call from JR, but I'm pretty sure lumber moves faster. BURN! Nash does take advantage of TrueMiz's assault though and gets to hit Punk with another Jackknife Powerbomb. All that was missing was Miz spray painting Punk's back.

Jack Swagger vs. 2in Cara up next and despite the wonkiness with Dolph Ziggler interfering, this is a fine match. Not going to set the world on fire, but New Blue held up well on live TV. If we get an excellent match between him and Del Rio tomorrow on the live Smackdown, I doubt we'll ever see Mistico in a WWE ring ever again. Tough break, but in cases like this, replica mask sales are more important than gimmick integrity.

Tag Title rematch with Otunga & Other Guy taking on the newly-named AirBoom. I like the new name, but they need a proper tag team entrance, complete with a sweet new theme song. Champs easily defend and hopefully get to move onto interesting opponents.

Outside the ring, Ughtunga & Imperfect get in Lawler's face for trash talking them on commentary. If it weren't for Lawler's trash talk, I wouldn't even notice these two numbnuts, they should be thanking him for even bothering to talk about them.

Kelly Kelly vs. Brie Bella up next and it's awfully late for a Divas match, isn't it? Twin Switcheroo, Bellas win. We were making such good progress in the last couple weeks too, but looks like the Divas are back to status quo.

Parker Posey is in the next WWE Film, Inside Out. Okay, I was wrong... I will binge drink again.

Main Event time! Mark Henry & Christian vs. Sheamus & John Cena Match starts at 11:02 pm... that's not a good sign for a show that's dragged on longer than Inside Out. It is nice to see Cena and Christian in the ring together though, I think those two would have a really fun feud and a hell of a match if given enough time.

Decent little match, typical main event tag match though with the good guys picking up the win, but I didn't expect much more from such a prototypical episode of Raw.

Backstage, Triple H tells CM Punk that his match with Nash at Night of Champions has been canceled and instead, he'll be facing Triple H. Ugh, really? C'mon WWE, this match could've been a marquee WrestleMania match and you're going to just give it away already? I feel like something's up here, but if it goes down like this, I'm going to be incredibly disappointed.

Speaking of disappointing, this Raw. The Miz was great, as was the match with Punk and Orton's match with Ziggler was excellent, but both those things feel like eons ago after a really boring final hour with a completely dead crowd. Bringing Smackdown guys over is only going to complicate things and I felt like Raw has been in a hell of a groove lately, why mess that up? Despite some great in ring work and the usual brilliance on the mic with Punk and Miz, I gotta give this show the thumbs down.

The 50 Most Shocking, Surprising, Amazing Moments in WWE History [Blu-ray]Randy Orton: The Evolution of a PredatorWWE Summerslam 2011


  1. Bourne and Kofi so should have been called Ghan-air instead.

  2. Or perhaps Legion of Boom. Maybe even Bourne and Dread. Can I get a job on the creative team now?

  3. I enjoyed the continuation of the recent trend of longer, more satisfying wrestling matches (Ziggler v. Orton).

    I'm enjoying the Nash/Punk storyline, except that even with suspension of disbelief and pro-wrestling logic and etc, I have trouble believing that CM Punk could legitimately put up a fight against Nash...I mean Nash is just so much...bigger!

    Agree that is was awesome to have him come out to pretty much the original NWO music.

    Not sure what to make of that revelation at the end that Punk is actually facing Triple H. Why announce it in a quick backstage skit where the live crowd doesn't even know what happened?

    Also, did I miss it or was WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio not on RAW?