I know you guys are all debating whether to watch the first night of the Triple H era or a presidential speech on the exciting subject of the debt ceiling, but I'll be live blogging Raw. Please refresh your tab for ongoing coverage and follow me on Twitter to get straight to the silly.
Tonight's main event: Triple H vs. President Obama! The Nose vs. The Ears! The power-hungry, job-killing dictator loathed by millions of people vs. Barack Obama!
Oh yeah, we're crowning a new WWE Champion* tonight too! And we're kicking things off with The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio for the "vacant" championship! These two have had a few encounters in the past, have been kept apart rather well, but I've always enjoyed their work together, so I'm stoked for this match.
And yeah, it's awesome. Rey Rey brought his working boots tonight and is making The Miz look like a million, nay, a billion bucks. A slingshot powerbomb?! SRSLY?! Miz goes for the Skullcrushing Finale, but NO! 619! Big Splash! NO NO NO! Mysterio wins! New WWE Champion and I have my sad face on.
Well, since The Miz didn't win, Rey's just a paper champion. >_>
Nice blindside from The Miz too! Yeah, get 'em champ! And here comes Alberto Del Rio! He's cashing in!
Or not, Rey saves his hide with a slingshot plancha and Del Rio runs off before the match officially begins. Oh they love that old tease, don't they?
Backstage, the Sunday Night Heat Crew congratulates Rey Mysterio on his big win. Okay... that was mean. John Cena stops by to shake his hand as well and it just makes me really want to see these two lock up at SummerSlam. Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena in the main event of the second biggest show of the year? Even the most anti-Rey, anti-Cena nerds will get on their feet for that one. I guarantee houses will be torn down!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Evan Bourne up next and Captain Ziggies has a sweet new Cock Rock version of his theme song. "I AM PERFECTION-AAAAAAAAAH! YEAH!" Anyhoo. These two should feud. Why not? What else is Ziggler gonna do, wrestle Kofi Kingston for the next twenty years? Ziggler makes quick work of Bourne, but as always, Bourne at least gets to do some cool stuff. Bourne misses with the Shooting Star, Zig-Zag, Sleeper, this one's over. I'm digging Ziggler's hollering after the match though, looks like the new theme music lit a fire under ol' Dolphy Z's ass.
Greatest Superstars of the 21st Century DVD? Already? It's all downhill for the next 89 years, folks!
WWE, just stop with beer mascots. Keith Stone is almost as bad as that time you let the Miller Lite Catfight Girls have a match at WrestleMania.
Eve & Kelly Kelly vs. Melina & Maryse is our Divas portion of the evening, but the bigger battle is between Maryse and her shorts. She'll be fishing those out until NXT starts! Good gals win, because the good gals always win, and that's all there is to say about that.
Triple H is announcing a "Blockbuster return" next. Well, Blockbuster closes in about an hour, he's going to have to use the overnight drop-box!
TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! MUHUHAUHA! Triple H is here! Thank you Vince, blah blah blah, time to get down to brass tax. Rey Mysterio is the new WWE Champion, but he has to defend it tonight against the man that didn't get his rematch, John Cena! Well, that hardly seems fair to Rey Rey, Miz just whooped his ass. John Cena shouldn't want the WWE Title like that. I smell shenanigans.
The next item on the agenda is a man that has been gone from WWE and the people keeping begging for him to be brought back. That man, of course, is...
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It's been FAR too long since JR's been behind the desk and this move better be permanent. As always, WWE learns (eventually) to quit screwing with the JR/King dynamic. Michael Cole predictably throws a fit, a pretty awesome one at that, but Triple H tells him he won't fire him - he's got a bitchin' severance package - so he's giving him the night off from commentary. If he shows up on Smackdown, he's good to go, but he can't do commentary the rest of the night, because he has a match. Oh dear. Maybe we should have a talk with this mysterious Board of Directors and see who else is up for the job?
R-Truth saves me from thinking about Michael Cole wrestling for a few minutes and okay, these two are pretty funny together. Triple H talks to Truth's imaginary friends and tells him (and them?) that there was one other re-signing, John Morrison! Morrison gives Truth a hearty ass-kicking and a big Starship Pain... in Wranglers, no less!
Michael Cole comes to ringside for his match dressed as Triple H. Okay "The Home Game" would be a hilarious shtick, he should totally be Triple H's stooge. Oh, and Cole's opponent? Zack Ryder! Don't mind me, I'll be in my fallout shelter for the inevitable smarksplosion. Although I'm sure now that he made it on TV, people will bitch that he wasn't on long enough.
Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio in a rematch from last week up next. I enjoyed their match last week, but I could quickly see this becoming WWE's next "hey, you guys just wait here while we figure out what to do with you" series. Another great match though highlighted by both guys looking like total equals. Del Rio strategically dissected the arm though and gets Kofi to tap to the Cross Armbreaker, tying them up at one apiece.
Josh Mathews is backstage with The Miz, who's rightfully grumpy about John Cena getting a title shot tonight. John Cena blew it at Money in the Bank and it's mighty cowardly of Cena to take a title match tonight when Rey Mysterio already had to wrestle a god amongst mere mortals earlier tonight! And Triple H's WWE Champion? The face of the company? A guy that has no face! I'm with ya, champ! You're the real conspiracy victim!
Main Event time! Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena with the WWE Title on the line and my shenanigans sense is tingling.
These guys are giving way too much away for what is sure to be a shenanigans-fueled main event though. I was really up for seeing what they could do at SummerSlam on the big stage, especially since they've been kept apart for so many years.
But holy hell, Cena lifting Rey on his back on ONE LEG?! Are you friggin' kidding me?!
And then the whole fun night gets deflated with one Attitude Adjustment and John Cena re-winning the WWE Title. Well, that was stupid.
Until... Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" starts playing, that is. CM PUNK IS HERE! The REAL WWE Champion holds up the REAL WWE Championship and that's gonna do it for Raw.
Well, Raw was fun, but Cena getting the "belt" back is silly and it seems a bit rushed to bring back Punk, but if the point is Punk vs. Cena: the definitive battle, it's gotta happen at SummerSlam, right? You don't save that shit for Bragging Rights (yes nitpickers, I'm aware Bragging Rights isn't a PPV anymore). I'm torn on the quickness of it all, but it's Punk and you know he'll make it work.