And here we go, it's time for CM Punk to do what he does best, and he even interrupted the signature at the start of the show, which he's not even in, by the way. CM Punk is recapping his greatest hits from two weeks ago and proudly claims he's the only one with the balls to say what he said. He even brought a megaphone, sadly not painted Jimmy Hart style, in case someone cuts his mic again.
Punk is telling us that Vince McMahon is currently bending over backwards to keep him from leaving, but all he's ever wanted is the microphone and if Vince would've treated him like this five years ago, he wouldn't need to be saying this. But now, Punk has made WWE something worth talking about in the mainstream and no one had to die for it. Ouch. Punk wants Vince in the ring tonight for the first ever live contract negotiation and ponders if he should make the chairman join the "CM Punk Kiss My Ass Club." Brilliant.
And cue John Cena. Really John, Vince joining the Kiss My Ass club, that's your tipping point? I've seen the guys entire head shoved up the Big Show's ass, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal. Punk doesn't stop though, vowing to change the change the look of the WWE Championship and saying if Cena gets fired on Sunday, it'll last for seven days like the last time. Punk pretty much is saying everything you're thinking, but you don't have a live mic. Sorry.
But holy shit, John Cena is so good when he has the right story in front of him. If he has a real opponent, a real challenge, a real direction, something other than an assembly line of title challengers, he is the one of the best performers in the world. Just an awesome comeback to all of Punk's mouthing off and anyone who tells you Punk is carrying this thing all by himself is lying.
The G?M awkwardly chimes in and says since it may be Cena's last night on Raw (lol), he'll be in a special match and it's next.
And that "special match" is a handicap match. Ugh, my Kryptonite. To make matters worse, it's John Cena vs. David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty. Really? If this were 1998, it would be Sting vs. Vincent and The Disciple. Or The Rock vs. Mideon & Viscera. They're at least trying for drama here, Cena hits a huge leg drop from the top, Otunga breaks up the STF, but Cena nails the AA on Mr. Imperfect and picks up the win.
Vickie Guerrero impersonating Vince McMahon backstage will be the highlight of 2011. Period. Vince doesn't take too kindly to Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre joining in on the fun, so he puts them in a handicap match against the Big Show. That's just what I've always wanted, two handicap matches in one night!
Kelly Kelly vs.
#TeamAwesome unite, The Miz is here! The Miz gets to do the obligatory promo from the top of a ladder. $5 says A-Ri knocks the ladder over. Ah dammit, Jack Swagger interrupts instead and Miz climbs down... joke's on you, I don't have $5! My mistake, this isn't the obligatory ladder promo, this is the obligatory give-everyone-a-microphone-and-have-them-interrupt promo! Evan Bourne gets a merciful two lines, Kofi Kingston out next and he's criminally underused on the mic, then there's R-Truth. Hooray for crazy people!
The conspiracy continues against R-Truth, he can't climb a ladder, he's acrophobic! That's right, if there are any spiders on that ladder of the briefcase, he's gonna freak out. Oh Truth, you are the greatest everything ever.
Alex Riley and Alberto Del Rio come out too, but I want to hear R-Truth talk about spiders more. Del Rio isn't happy about having to compete in MITB when he won #1 contendership last week, which was later made pointless when CM Punk was reinstated, so The G?M relents and leaves him out of our next match, a six-man tag featuring Miz, Truth and Swagger against Kofi, Bourne and Riley.
And you guessed it, The Miz, R-Truth & Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne & Alex Riley is our next match. WWE knows just how to reel me back in, after pissing me off with two handicap matches, they give me a six-man tag. And a six-man tag with these guys, no less, there's not a single competitor in this match that I don't enjoy. And ya know, one is The Miz, who is better than everything.
Now I'm not one to usually talk about "selling" and "work rate," but I gotta say, few wrestlers sell better than Evan Bourne. The dude makes every move look ten times more impressive and a bajillion times more painful. It's more than just being a small guy that's easy to toss around, his insane agility allows him to sell moves in ways that I've never seen. Remember when RVD would do the ridiculous spring bounce every time he took a piledriver? Bourne has something like that for just about every move.
As I'm sitting here fawning over Evan Bourne, Alex Riley comes in, proverbial house of fire, and just cleans house. Edgecution on Swagger and the good guys pick up the win, as they always do in these kind of matches. Miz returns the favor with a Skullcrushing Finale though and the bad guys look to get some momentum back, but Bourne gets the upper hand to save the day. He almost hits the Shooting Star Press on Truth too, but Del Rio shoves him off the top rope and destroys everyone with the ladder. Rock solid hype for Sunday.
Big Show vs. Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre in yet another handicap match up next, but it looks like it's really just Big Show vs. Drew McIntyre. Hey, Ziggler's the US Champ, he's got more important shit to do. Anyhoo, Show and McIntyre brawl up the ramp, I think there's a double count-out, but does it really matter? Show goes to chokeslam McIntyre off the stage, but Mark Henry barrels across the ramp and all three guys go flying off the stage. Good thing Big Show's World's Largest Tempurpedic Mattress was there!
Main Event time! Vince McMahon vs. CM Punk in a contract negotiation!
Again, do I really need to recap this stuff? This is CM Punk at his absolute best, demanding his face be placed on every piece of merchandise like he was the fifth member of KISS, name dropping Colt Cabana and Luke Gallows, demanding a return of the WWE Ice Cream Bar, the guy is the best in the industry, period. If he really is leaving, no professional wrestler has ever received this kind of send off, ever. This is unprecedented and one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I know I'm prone to hyperbole, but dammit, this is amazing.
There was a lot more to it, John Cena obviously weighed in and Punk let him have it too. Even going so far to compare him to the New York Yankees... in Boston! Blasphemy. Punk vows to leave on Sunday with the WWE Title and send Cena packing as well, but seriously, if you missed this segment, you owe it to yourself to check it out. CM Punk just took wrestling to a whole other dimension, he may very well have changed WWE and the way they tell stories. Only time will tell, but wow. Just wow.
The rest of Raw was solid, the six-man tag was highly enjoyable and I even enjoyed the handicap matches for what they were, but this was CM Punk's show. The intensity in Chicago this Sunday will be off the charts and it's one of those rare moments where wrestling will get affect your nerves. Cannot wait.