I believe the Tough Enough finale will spill over into the opening minutes of Raw, so we'll definitely be talking about that at the top of the hour. I'm pulling for Andy, mainly because Luke might be the worst person ever. And regardless of whose name is announced tonight, the real winners of Tough Enough are Bill DeMott and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of tonight's Raw and of course, check out Twitter for the ridiculousness. Let's have fun tonight!
All the ex-contestants are in the ring, Luke and Andy with their belts on their shoulder. Stone Cold asks for the trainers' opinions and it's a unanimous decision for Andy. Stone Cold gives the final two their opportunity to talk, Luke comes off like an asshole, but honestly, Andy's not much more likable. I'll chalk it up to the fact that Luke is just that horrible, he rubs off on everyone. Looks like Stone Cold's ready to make a decision, but a stretch limo arrives with Vince McMahon! Vince McMahon in that infamous powder blue suit! Was the canary yellow at the cleaners?!
Hey, live job interview with Vince McMahon on national television, no pressure or anything. Never seen water before? Dive into this ocean and make your way back to land. Both Andy and Luke give awkward responses, Andy sounds nervous, Luke sounds like a pre-taped vignette. Regardless, after some banter with Vince, Stone Cold asks for the drum roll and announces the Tough Enough Champion: ANDY!
Andy gets a Stunner for winning and is now "buried," according to the internet. I would rant more about this, but it's utterly predictable and now R-Truth is marching to the ring in a Confederate uniform. Seriously.
Truth is in the Confederate uniform to make fun of the dumb rednecks in Richmond, Virginia. Okay, this went from borderline offensive to absolutely amazing. I've been struggling to find a character that I can get emotionally invested in and I think I've found him. R-Truth is the greatest thing in wrestling today. He's going to secede from the WWE Universe! Hey, what are the Universe's borders?
But speaking of greatness, The Miz is here! While Truth is rambling about conspiracies, Miz deals in reality, where he has a legitimate claim to being screwed out of the WWE Championship by corrupt officials and Alex Riley's ineptitude.
Of course, this cues Alex Riley, and my friends, we've got a good old fashioned Attitude Era clusterfuck! A-Ri doesn't really say much, threatens to attack The Miz again, but that's about it.
And here comes John Cena! Oh sure, why not add one more? Right now, Vince McMahon, Steve Austin, The Miz, Alex Riley and R-Truth in a Confederate uniform are all standing in the ring. John Cena confirms that he'll go one-on-one with R-Truth at Capitol Punishment, then The G?M chimes in. Vince McMahon tells Michael Cole to shut up and handles it LIKE A BOSS: The Miz & R-Truth vs. John Cena & Alex Riley is tonight's main event and the special guest referee? STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Spoiler: Stunners will be received.
Santino Marella vs. Michael McGillicutty is our opening contest this evening. Vladimir Kozlov is in Santino's corner, wearing blue, I suppose he's finally renounced Communism. Some guy who I've seen hang out with Jennifer Hudson is in Mr. Imperfect's corner and I just remembered that they're the tag champions. Thanks to Kozlov taking out Other Guy outside the ring, Santino picks up the win in a decent length Raw match. COBRA! I guess this means Santino and Kozlov are going after the Tag Team Titles? Those are still a thing, by the way.
And they're not wasting any time tonight, we're heading right into our next match, Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix vs. The Bellas. Diva action with no Kharma makes me sad, but The Glamazon back in action is always a good thing. Decent little match and the Glam Slam gives the good gals the win. Give Beth the Diva of Destruction mantle until Kharma's back!
Backstage, Booker T & Trish Stratus are hanging out and Jack Swagger challenges Booker to a match... tonight. Booker accepts! While I am all for this and quite excited about it, I would actually be willing to spend money to see it on PPV!
CM Punk sits Indian style on the stage, perhaps getting ready for a game of Duck, Duck, Goose? He's in action against Rey Mysterio, next.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio is our 10pm main event, and Punk is going for his 601st win against Rey Rey! I'm getting a serious Jake the Snake vibe from Punk tonight, he's being extra creepy this time, maybe it's the goatee. Everyone knows, goatees = evil.
Not as fun as their match last week, but hey, it's tough to keep it interesting two weeks in a row. Still probably better than anything else we'll see this week. Mason Ryan's interference backfires, Mysterio uses him on the apron to hit Punk with a cool little tornado DDT and finish him off with the big splash. Mysterio wins and we're tied at one a piece in this new series in the rivalry.
New Capitol Punishment promo with R-Truth interviewing President Obama. This is only the third most awkward press conference today.
Three-hour "All-Star" Raw next Monday night. USA wasted no time making sure they had three hours of WWE after Tough Enough.
Alberto Del Rio arrives to speak against the slanderous words spoken against him. People have said he committed a hit and run, but c'mon, he wasn't even driving the car! And no one ran! Del Rio calls out Big Show to smooth things over, but gets Ricardo Rodriguez dressed as Show instead. Because an impersonation bit worked out so well the last time with Del Rio and fake Lita. This is almost as terrible and the crowd is completely silent for it, unfortunately, no one as awesome as Edge is here to save it. And remember, the eventual endgame for this is Del Rio vs. Show, which I'm sure absolutely no one actually wants to see.
Internet sensation, Zack Ryder is in action next against the US Champion, Kofi Kingston. This... this could be a lot of fun. Not quite enough time, but Ziggler's awesome commentary and the novelty of actually seeing Zack Ryder on Raw made it work anyway. Kofi (obviously) picks up the win with Trouble in Paradise, but how about some more Ziggler/Ryder? I think those two would make an awesome tag team and would hopefully jazz up a dead division. Ziggler & Zack, ZZ, for tag champs!
Booker T vs. Jack Swagger is in the dreaded 10:40 slot?! C'mon! Booker hasn't missed a beat and the match is a lot of fun so far, but we've got shenanigans! Jack Swagger gets frustrated and takes an intentional count-out loss, but gets ambushed by Evan Bourne! Jackie Swaggs chases Bourne into the ring, gets a Scissors Kick from Book, then the Shooting Star Press! And a DOUBLE SPIN-A-ROONIE to top things off! It's not the most detailed feud ever, but I'm enjoying this little story between Bourne and Swagger. At least they're doing something with them.
Main Event time! The Miz & R-Truth vs. John Cena & Alex Riley with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest referee! We got ourselves a barn burner right off the bat! A-Ri is desperate to get his hands on The Miz, R-Truth is bonkers and Stone Cold isn't afraid to insert himself into the match.
All hell breaking loose now with Truth bringing in a chair, Alex Riley bringing in a briefcase, hitting Miz right in front of Austin, then Stone Cold Stuns The Miz and Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment for the the win. Hey, let's just re-do the whole bit from two weeks ago with Bret Hart and CM Punk, no one will remember that! Good guys have a beer bash, but thankfully The G?M chimes in and disqualifies Cena and Riley for Austin's interference. When's Stone Cold going to learn, The G?M doesn't like when referees don't play by the rules... except Bret Hart... two weeks ago.
And to further punish Stone Cold, he's been appointed the guest GM for next week's three-hour Raw. Yeah, that'll show him! Austin breaks the laptop (I seriously hope they used one of those dummies on the showroom floor), grabs Cole, pours beer on him, Stunner, Attitude Adjustment, etc. You know how this goes.
Well, I thought Raw was back on the upswing after last week, but that all got shot to hell tonight. It wasn't horrible, but recycling the Bret Hart bit and the referee overturn from WrestleMania just fell flat. There wasn't a lot going on elsewhere either, some decent matches, which is a nice change for Mondays, but still, just feels like WWE spinning their wheels.
This time last year, we had just witnessed the debut of Nexus and while that failed miserably, it at least got people buzzing at first. I don't see anything buzzworthy in WWE right now. They're teasing a longterm Stone Cold vs. Miz feud, but who knows if it's really something they're going forward with or if they're just playing up Austin while they have him? Hopefully next week's three-hour show will get things on track, but we know those can often be a crap shoot in terms of quality. C'mon WWE, I know it's summer time, but that's when you take risks, let's see some!