And we're kicking off All-Star Night with the biggest star in sports, entertainment, infotainment, and anything other form of media you can name... THE MIZ! The Miz, whose leg is looking fine, calls Alex Riley a fraud, but is quickly cut off by the goddamn "WHURT?!" chants. "Yeah, that was cool in 2001," you know wrestling fans, Miz, they're all 10 years behind anyway. But speaking of the man behind the dreaded "WHAT?!" chant, The Miz calls out Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's right, Miz ain't afraid of no Stone Cold.
The crowd has
Austin warns Miz to leave the ring, and since he has a big debate to prepare for, the fearless captain of Team Awesome obliges. In all seriousness though, I love the chemistry these two have and would love to see Austin lace up the boots one last time for a match with The Miz at WrestleMania. Austin attempts to play hype man, but is cut off by the arrival of some guy whose name is Alberto Del Rio... but you already knew that. Del Rio says he heard Austin wanted to see him, which is true, because our guest GM tonight has put him in the first match of the night, against Kane. That last sentence should have an exclamation point after it, but c'mon, it's just Kane.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kane is our opening contest and despite my apathy toward Kane, at least this match makes sense. Well, as much sense of Kane caring about Big Show out of nowhere, not long after trying to murder The Undertaker, can make. Decent little match with Del Rio outsmarting Kane at almost every turn. Del Rio gets the Cross Armbreaker locked in and refuses to let go when Kane gets to the ropes, giving the seven-footer a DQ win. As Del Rio tries to break Kane's arm Big Show literally runs to the ring make the save. Long Island just shifted about four feet after experiencing Big Show running. Ricardo Rodriguez distracts Show (and gets his ass kicked), allowing Del Rio to run away. Stone Cold says he may as well run to Washington DC, because he has a one-on-one match with Big Show this Sunday at Capitol Punishment. Man, the crowd was really excited to see Big Show.
Six-man tag action now with Cody Rhodes, Wade Barrett & Ted DiBiase vs. Sin Cara, Ezekiel Jackson & Daniel Bryan. This match could be awesome... plus Ted DiBiase. Sin Cara's special lighting is still a thing, which is distracting enough, but even more so when he's not even the one in the ring. Good guys in control throughout the majority of this match and when Big Zeke gets in the ring, it's game over man, game over! The triple bodyslams, tossing the former Legacy (ugh) over the top rope at the same time, using Bryan as a human lawn dart, you may have heard, this is what one might call "domination." Sin Cara gets a big cross body on Barrett and picks up the win, but this match was all about Zeke.
Back from commercial, Hornswoggle has the t-shirt gun, but the TRUTH shall set him free! It looks like fun, Truth likes having FUNNNN, just like all the Lil Jimmies and little Jennies! Truth vows to win the WWE Championship this Sunday, and for whatever reason, Hornswoggle thinks it's appropriate to shoot him with the t-shirt gun. I've always thought getting shot by one of those things at point blank range would leave a cartoonish hole in the middle of your stomach. Truth gives Hornswoggle a hug, but then realizes he looks like a Lil Horny and decides to kick him in the face. John Cena doesn't make the valiant save, but Stone Cold does give Truth an opponent for later tonight... John Morrison!
Sheamus vs. Santino Marella is our next match, for some reason. They love pairing these two up, which I don't get because their styles are drastically different and they couldn't be more dissimilar in terms of character or card position. I guess because of that tea party bit from last year? Anyhoo, Sheamus brushes off the COBRA and beats Santino with the CLOVERLEAF! Yes, I love the Cloverleaf and it has been criminally underused since Dean Malenko retired. Everyone should have a regular finisher and a submission finisher, so I'm all in favor of this.
And it's the Raw return of BEARDY McGEE! The World Title is extra shiny, but it still pales in comparison to the Orange Viper. Luckily, his microphone isn't working! Okay, full disclosure, I may have hired the PSN hackers to sabotage it. Unfortunately, they didn't hack the other mics and he still gets a chance to talk, but at least his "live TV is awesome" line is laughably bad. And... are those boos I'm hearing for the paper World Champion? Long Island, I love you.
Orton calls out Christian, who is too good to deal with this petty nonsense and will only address Zee Vipah via TitanTron. Christian makes the excellent point that he doesn't get why Orton's so bitter all the time, he's had everything handed to him on a silver platter his entire life. Christian has to insult the fans in the middle of this though since the crowd realizes he's right and they're already not buying him as legit. Orton takes a cheap shot and says Edge should carry Christian to the ring since he carried him for 17 years.
Christian heads to the ring, but changes his mind midway down the ramp. Orton tries to strike, but The G?M drops the bombshell that Orton is concussed after the belt shot from Smackdown and if he risks his health tonight, he'll be stripped of the World Title! Yeah, c'mon Randy, disobey the order!
Sadly, cooler heads prevail and Orton heads to the back, but Stone Cold gives Christian a match anyway... against Rey Mysterio! Uh, yes please!
Christian vs. Rey Mysterio is a dream match for this particular blogger and I can't recall them ever wrestling before. Maybe they locked up on Smackdown many moons ago and I missed it? They announce Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk for Capitol Punishment, so you can pay $60 to see a match you watched for free on Raw the last two weeks!
Unfortunately, this dream match of mine isn't panning out as planned. Immediately after commercial, Christian gets disqualified for refusing to break a choke in the corner. Really? We kinda just did this earlier tonight with Del Rio and Kane. Seriously, I watched it, it was like an hour ago! Christian at least continues the assault after the match, Rey tries to get the upper hand, but CM Punk & some other guys keep that from happening. Rey gets a Killswitch and Randy Orton gets a message.
Backstage, a stunning Vickie Guerrero asks Stone Cold to give Dolph Ziggler a United States Championship match this Sunday against Kofi Kingston. Stone Cold agrees as long as Dolph drops Vickie as his manager, just like he did with Ted DiBiase when he was The Ringmaster. Ziggler agrees (NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!), but Stone Cold was only teasing. Awkward.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison, who is fresh off of neck surgery, is up next. These two are no strangers to each other, but with Truth's new found insanity, this should be fun. Should be, but it looks like we're the victims of the old bait & switch, Morrison's music is playing, but no JoMo. Truth goes looking for Morrison backstage and "SHAZAM! LIL JIMMY GOT JOHNNY!" Morrison is out cold backstage, he got got! Looks like Morrison isn't ready to come back yet after all.
Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston in tag team action and while we've seen plenty combinations of Kofi, Swagger and Ziggler, the addition of Evan Bourne could bring something new to the table. Love the idea of Kofi and Bourne teaming up, love the idea of both these teams becoming permanent. C'mon WWE, you could easily rebuild the tag division with guys who are otherwise floundering. Fun little TV match with Bourne continuing to have Swagger's number, Shooting Star Press and the good guys win. That in mind, I'm confident this means Ziggler is winning the US Title on Sunday. Seriously, when that happens, send Bourne and Kofi after the Tag Belts.
The Rock won a Spike TV Guy's Choice Award. Instead of a statue, they give you a gold-plated douchebag.
Piper's Pit is our 10pm main event for the evening and I have no issues with that whatsoever. Piper mentions 25 years ago, he dropped Mr. T in this very building at WrestleMania 2. The Miz cuts off the nostalgia trip and mentions his favorite Nassau Coliseum moment: when they tear it down and replace it with nothing. Hahaha, oh man, that literally made me LOL.
The Miz tells Piper he's tired of being called a "modern day Roddy Piper," and that his episodes of The Real World were way better than They Live. Okay Miz, we're BFFs and all, but that's just ridiculous, why would you even say that? Fun little back and forth with Piper and Miz though, which leads to Alex Riley making his way to the ring to an INSANE reaction. More great verbal sparring, if you're not watching live, make sure you track it down and it leads to Riley saying Piper could beat The Miz right now. The main event of WrestleMania 1 vs. the main event of WrestleMania 27 is on! And both men are putting up $5000 of their own money... I love fake fight purses! Stone Cold sweetens the pot with a special guest referee: Alex Riley! Well that doesn't seem fair.
Roddy Piper vs. The Miz is next and that corrupt official Alex Riley totally screws The Miz and gives the win to Piper with a fast count! We'll see who has the last laugh on Sunday, cheaters!
Seven-on-Seven Diva Match up next and for some reason, Rosa Mendes is a bad guy now? Yes, I expect continuity in the Divas division. Kelly pins Rosa, then the Divas do the Rockettes bit in honor of the Tony Awards. Yeah, you know that huge crossover audience between Broadway and WWE.
I hate using the word "epic," but the backstage confrontation with CM Punk & Stone Cold is pretty close. The story writes itself here, but both men promise big surprises tonight and Stone Cold's announcement is next. What? Next. What? Next.
"I can whoop your ass backwards!"
Stone Cold comes to the ring on his ATV, The G?M chimes in to remind him that he's only in charge this week. Stone Cold says that's fine, but while he's only in charge for the remainder of this show, he decides to make next week's show a three hour Raw as well and it will be a Viewer's Choice Raw. That's how Nexus debuted last year...
Stone Cold gets annoyed by the iTunes "ding" and runs Cole off, pours beer on the laptop and runs it over with his ATV. I don't think Stone Cold is in any condition to be driving that thing.
Main Event time! John Cena vs. CM Punk, the last time these two squared off in the final match of a three-hour Raw was June 7, 2011... when Nexus debuted. That thought, combined with this ELECTRIC Long Island crowd is making for an intriguing main event and it has barely even begun.
Things have settled a little bit after commercial, but Punk won't have any of that: slingshot crossbody to the outside, diving axe handle off the top rope to the outside (OOOH YEAH!), and the dueling "LET'S GO CENA/CM PUNK!" chant is back! Great action here, very exciting Raw main event, and then things only get better when we hear "LOOK AT ALL THE LITTLE JIMMIES!" R-Truth is taunting a Little Jimmy in the crowd, this obviously doesn't sit well with Cena, who walks right into a GO TO SLEEP! PUNK WINS! PUNK WINS! PUNK WINS! For those keeping score, CM Punk has been John Cena's Kryptonite in 2011.
Very good Raw tonight. Nothing earth-shattering like last year's three-hour Raw, but maybe they're saving it for next week's Viewer's Choice show? Or perhaps there is no big earth-shattering summer storyline this year? Regardless, it was just a flat-out good show filled with solid wrestling. A few stupid decisions, but overall, nothing really to complain about. Well worth my three hours and I'm actually pretty stoked for Capitol Punishment. If they can keep it up with shows like this, they might not need to turn the Universe on its head.