Monday, May 9, 2011

WWE Raw thoughts - May 9, 2011

Well, last week sucked. The Miz lost the WWE Title and got screwed in his rematch, Christian lost the World Heavyweight Title in what will surely be the most controversial move in wrestling this year and somehow, WWE managed to make The Rock uninteresting. Sure, it was a nice gesture from WWE, but it wasn't Raw and the show suffered because of it. Shockingly, a guy that hasn't wrestled in seven years can't carry a wrestling show for two hours!

But that was last week. The Smackdown Blackout remains in effect, but I have hope that Raw will be fun tonight. If not, let's make it fun with the live blog. Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of the show and follow me on Twitter for ongoing absurdity. Let the healing begin!

Cold opening this week with Alberto Del Rio coming to the ring without the Nickelback intro. Well, that's certainly a good start. Del Rio explains his destiny has been delayed but not for long, insisting he should be the next #1 contender for John Cena's WWE Championship. Rey Mysterio interrupts, claiming he is just as deserving. Get in line you two, The Miz still deserves his shot after getting screwed by that jerkface Mike Chioda last week. Del Rio tells Miz he had his chance and didn't get the job done, which is hilarious considering Del Rio won the Royal Rumble and lost two matches for the World Title.

R-Truth interrupts next to talk about "hospital food." Seriously. Truth is getting the credit for putting John Morrison on the shelf, who needed neck surgery today, which is expected to sideline him for several weeks. Ah, I see, John Morrison is eating hospital food... because he's in the hospital... where they serve hospital food. Truth is kinda scaring me, I have no idea what the hell he's talking about and it's getting awfully racial. "Fence jumper," "angry black man," "lily white John Cena," uh... awkward!

The G?M chimes in and says they all make compelling arguments, except perhaps R-Truth, who gets left out of a Triple Threat match later tonight to determine a new #1 contender. Yeah, "hospital food" and flagrant racism isn't exactly a compelling argument. Truth is understandably unhappy about the situation though, despite his ranting and raving tonight, he should've never lost his title shot at Extreme Rules to begin with! Sure, he's not exactly eloquent or a skilled debater, but it's wrestling, he deserves a shot just as much as Del Rio or Mysterio!

The Miz continues the racial comments against Mexicans and I continue to wonder if WWE realizes how important Mexico is to their longterm strategy. I don't think you should call one of your biggest markets "fence jumpers" and "day laborers," just a suggestion though. The three brawl a little and Mysterio comes out looking the best after diving onto Del Rio outside, but I have a feeling the Truth is going to set his title hopes free in the main event.

The Bellas vs. Eve & Kelly Kelly is our opening contest this evening and I think Kharma's about to bite someone in the ass, so to speak. Kelly pins one of the Bellas in your typical 90-second Diva nonsense, but HERE COMES KHARMA! The Bellas hauled ass, Kelly left Eve to fend for herself, and Eve's attempt at a preemptive strike was met with a simple clothesline. Hah! Kharma lets Kelly run, she'll be her ultimate prize after all, and hits Eve with the Implant Buster. Loving this, she never even needs to wrestle, just have her destroy the Barbie dolls every week.

And because it was so awesome last week, we're getting Kane vs. Mason Ryan II: The Masoning tonight! Woo! You'll never believe this, but Mason Ryan is big and strong and he can pick up Kane. We've NEVER seen the Big Red Monster manhandled like this before! CM Punk tries to give Ryan an advantage, Big Show knocks him out, New Nexus causes the DQ, Kane & Show destroy them. Most dangerous group in WWE history!

Santino Marella vs. Former World Champion, Dolph Ziggler is our next match and I think this one could actually be enjoyable if given some time. Or at the very least, it'll be a fun old school squash. Yep, just like an episode of Wrestling Challenge, this one is over. Dolph mean mugs his way out of the ring while the Khaki-dile Hunter, Vickie Guerrero, cheers him on. Crikey!

WWE, there's a reason why the United States isn't releasing the Osama bin Laden photographs, it's the same reason you don't need to show the Christian vs. Randy Orton footage. You don't need to spike the football, you beat the internet, we get it.

R-Truth is crazy. R-Truth is awesome. R-Truth is crazy awesome.

Zack Ryder & some silly white guy in a red shirt were fist pumping backstage. Crowd went bonkers for Cena Ryder.

Backstage, The Miz tears A-Ri a new a-hole. Riley is determined to make good on his massive screw-up last week though and marches to the ring to challenge John Cena to a one-on-one match! Oh dear. Two Attitude Adjustments and an STF and Cena wins easily. Really John, was that really necessary? Just to prove a point to The Miz, you had to destroy a man who is clearly out of your league? Who are you, Bill Bellchick?

Michael Cole is in the ring now for his huge announcement, that he's retiring from in-ring competition. Perhaps WWE is realizing this has run its course? Probably not, Jerry Lawler gets in the ring to replay The Rock attacking Cole last week and challenges Cole to one more match. If Cole wins, Jerry Lawler will give Cole his ring and induct him into the WWE Hall of Fame. Really? I don't think that's how the Hall of Fame works. Cole makes some more jokes about Lawler's dead mom and while it's still fun to watch smarks get upset over it like it's not Lawler's idea, this just isn't working anymore. It hasn't just jumped the shark, it has pole-vaulted the shark. Jack Swagger got involved too, but honestly, I can't bring myself to care about this at all.

At least he gets to wrestle though, Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston is next and the United States Title is on the line. Oh man, in a week of transition, I wouldn't want to be Kofi Kingston right now. I thought for sure Kofi would lose here since random title matches rarely happen anymore without a switch, but thanks to the distraction from Jerry Lawler, Kofi retains! And then Lawler bashes Cole's face repeatedly into the Cole Mine wall by pulling his tie through the air hole. Okay, THAT'S funny. And hey, Lawler never touched Cole, he just grabbed his tie! Wrestling loophole! Swagger accepts Lawler's challenge on Cole's behalf and surely Over the Limit will be the end of this nonsense.

Main Event time! The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio to determine a new #1 contender and it's up to The Miz to save the night for me. Admittedly, I was kinda drifting in and out at the start of this was since this show has really sucked, but as things have picked up, this match has gotten really good. Lots of drama, near falls and The Miz being awesome, which is always something I enjoy.

Loving this match and all three guys look like they could win it, Rey hits the 619 and surely has it won... have we ever seen Cena vs. Rey before? But Alex Riley makes the save, allowing The Miz to steal it valiantly win! Finally something good!

John Cena hits the stage and tells Miz their match at Over the Limit will have no pinfalls or submissions, it's an I QUIT MATCH. Uh... John, I think we need to have a discussion about what the word "submission" means. Anyhoo, it should be a slam dunk for Cena, his whole shtick is never giving up, but The Miz could pull it off. Maybe Miz could grab a young Cena fan and threaten to throw him off the stage if the Champ doesn't surrender? Now THAT is how you win a championship!

Oh and R-Truth attacked Rey Mysterio to end the show.

Main event aside, tonight's Raw was awful. Utterly predictable: Mysterio taking Morrison's place against Truth, Kharma killing the Divas (not that I mind), Nexus looking like chumps, Riley getting stomped by Cena, Cole vs. King dragging on, you could see it all coming a mile away. I'm excited about Cena and Miz locking up again, even if I'm sure it'll end in Miz's defeat, but there's really not much to get excited about on this show. WWE's still just playing it way too safe and the audience is clearly getting bored. C'mon WWE, it's almost summer, do something crazy. Have the NXT Season 3 Divas show up and take over Raw!

WWE Elite Collection Rey Mysterio Figure Best of 2010 SeriesWWE Survivor Series The Miz FigureWWE R-TRUTH OVER THE LIMIT WRESTLING FIGURE


  1. Shame you're not ""blacking out"" Raw buecause this was pure tripe while Smackdown was brilliant this week and has a fresh, interesting story going forward.

  2. Damn ... Kharma/Kong is damn hot! Sexy woman!