And we begin our evening with the #1 contender for the soon-to-be-vacated World Heavyweight Championship, Alberto Del Rio! Del Rio gives a heartfelt speech to Edge, congratulating him on all his accomplishments and wishing him well in the future. I have a sneaking suspicion he's not being entirely genuine though as he asks for Edge to come down and just hand him the World Title. But instead of Edge, he gets Teddy Long, playa! Hey, we don't just hand things over here on Smackdown, Del Rio earned the right to compete for the World Title, but he'll be competing against the winner of tonight's 20-man Battle Royal to determine another #1 contender for the vacant championship! Del Rio naturally snaps and his true colors show, he's glad he hurt Edge and that he ended his career... well that's just rude. T-Lo tells Del Rio to shut up and walks off, holla!
And anyone who thinks Del Rio playing up his involvement in Edge's retirement makes the whole thing a "work," you're new to this whole wrestling thing, aren't you? If Jerry Lawler's dead mom is fair game, so is Edge's retirement. That's old school, my friends!
Our opening contest this evening is Ezekiel Jackson vs. Kofi Kingston with the rest of The Corre on commentary. Every morning when I wake up, I make a list of things I don't want to hear:
1. Crying babies
2. My neighbors having sex
3. Katy Perry
4. Heath Slater on commentary
5. My cat clawing the walls
Corre are painful on commentary here, we know Slater can't talk, but Wade's especially bad here, insulting Zeke's intelligence while he's in the ring. C'mon Wade, Zeke's whole shtick is that he's the thinking man's monster. He has a large vocabulary, he quotes Bible verses, he's more than just the muscle. Thumbs down to ignoring minor character details like that, but thumbs up to Zeke getting a win. Not thrilled about Kofi's continued downfall, but I do love me some Big Zeke, so it's not all bad.
LayCool's in couple's therapy and Michelle McCool actually has the audacity to imply that she's the better wrestler of the team. HAH!
Still can't get over how great the Awesome Kong vignette is. You gotta read my buddy Bill Baconhill's (aka Sousa) take on her impending debut.
Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre is our next match and hopefully Drew throws Rey around like a lawn dart like he did at Elimination Chamber. It's only fair, an unprovoked attack for an unprovoked attack, Cody didn't deserve what just happened before commercial! Good match so far though, getting a nice amount of time and McIntyre looks like a legitimate threat for the first time since... Elimination Chamber. Yet another victim in the WrestleMania pause, but maybe it'll work out okay for him like it did R-Truth? Not tonight though, 619 and a splash off the top finish off the Sinister Scot, but at least it was a really competitive match. Get McIntyre more time like this and things might actually turn around for him.
Nice promo for Edge... although I'm pretty sure it's accompanied by a 3 Doors Down song. C'mon WWE, the guy has to retire tonight, hasn't he suffered enough? Edge is walking backstage to applause from a bunch of guys, including Kane. "Hey, I know you pretty much murdered my dad, but put 'er there!"
All kidding aside, it's time for the man of the hour, the World Heavyweight Champion, Edge! I'm sorry, one last time for my buddy Tony Chimel, "THE RATED-R SOUP-ER-STAR, EDGE!" Crowd has already erupted into a "THANK YOU EDGE!" chant and this is tough to watch... and I already saw this footage earlier in the week! Edge does a super cool bit, re-doing his entrance one last time for the rush of it all and to celebrate his awesome theme music. Edge has always had good theme music, but he's right, "Metalingus" is a great tune and it's also the only good thing that's ever been remotely associated with Creed. They're in Albany tonight (Tuesday, whatever) and that's where he won his first WWE Championship back in 2006 and while sitting in a rental car in Albany many years ago, he came up with the name Edge. I did not know that. I didn't know he came up with the name, nor did I know it was in an Albany rental car.
I can't handle the stuff with Edge's mom though, who's seated in the front row holding back the tears. Seriously, I just can't handle a crying mom, it is one of the most heartbreaking things you'll ever see. After thanking his mom, Edge turns his attention to the World Heavyweight Championship, which he says belongs to each and every one of us and does what he has to do, sets it down in the center of the ring and walks away.
It's sad, don't get me wrong, it's also incredibly weird to think of WWE without Edge wrestling, but at the same time, who gets to go out like this? He's retiring as World Champ (a first for WWE) and he's getting a week-long send-off, which isn't something that happens often in any sport. It's nice that Edge is this appreciated and gets to say goodbye in his own way. It's special moments like this that only wrestling can provide. Thank you Edge!
Backstage, Edge refuses to shake Alberto Del Rio's hand and Del Rio has the greatest "punch-me" smile yet in response.
Kelly Kelly vs. Layla is our Divas portion of the evening and #WeWantKong. Kelly hits Layla with the X-Factor (I don't know what else to call it) on the outside, McCool tosses her partner back into the ring to avoid count-out, but she gets pinned anyway. C'mon, that was blatant outside interference, Layla should win by disqualification! McCool shoves Layla down after the match and says "good luck without me," and I have no idea why they would split LayCool, they're literally the only characters in the Divas division.
Main Event time! A 20-man Battle Royal to determine a second #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. The winner of this match will face Alberto Del Rio in a Ladder Match at Extreme Rules and it's GOTTA be Christian, right? C'mon, this has to be his moment, if ever there was a time to give Christian his shot at top, this is it!
And the Battle Royal is on... and a bunch of guys are kinda doing stuff. Battle Royals are damn near impossible to write about, "and then three guys attacked Big Show in the corner, and then some dudes punched each other, then someone got hung up in the corner." Although I will say Big Show's CARCINOGENIC FIST~! eliminating Heath Slater was friggin glorious... then Big Show pretty much eliminated himself by clotheslining Big Zeke over the top rope.
Down to our Final Four (please don't sue me NCAA), Justin Gabriel (really?), Rey Mysterio, Christian and Jack Swagger. Rey quickly eliminates Gabriel, lots of false eliminations with Rey and Swagger, Rey hits Michael Cole with a 619 (he was trying to protect Swagger!) and Swaggers takes advantage and tosses Rey! We're down to two, Christian vs. Swagger and OMG, Christian is going to win this thing, isn't he!? I guess Swagger could turn face and be a viable opponent for Del Rio, but C'MON!
And now Del Rio is trying to screw Captain Charisma!? COME ON!!! Del Rio has Christian's foot on the apron, but Christian pulls the rope down and Swagger tumbles out, we got a new #1 contender! FINALLY after 13 friggin' years, CHRISTIAN is going to get a one-on-one shot at a World Championship in WWE, in a Ladder Match, no less! C'mon Christian, win Big Gold for Edge... and me!
Good Smackdown. All about Edge, as it should've been, and the natural conclusion, his best friend taking his place at Extreme Rules. Like I said, if ever there were a time for Christian to get his much-deserved run as World Champ, this is it. C'mon WWE, help a brother out... or in this case, a guy that used to be Edge's brother.