Monday, March 7, 2011

WWE Raw thoughts - March 7, 2011

Last week's show was, how do I put this delicately? Oh yeah, absolutely terrible. After one of the worst Raws in recent memory and WrestleMania just 27 days away, WWE's got a lot of work to do. But one week does not make a month and with Stone Cold Steve Austin returning, WWE could easily help us forget about last week's misstep. Just a shame The Rock won't be there, imagine the reaction from the Dallas crowd if WWE managed to get him and Stone Cold in the ring at the same time. Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of tonight's show and feel free to follow me on Twitter for the ongoing absurdity.

GONG!

And we are live with the arrival of The Undertaker! Seriously, the addition of "Ain't No Grave" makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, there already wasn't anything like The Undertaker's entrance, but now it's even more haunting. Undertaker mentions the people who think the Streak will be broken this year and shows a clip of him ending Shawn Michaels' career, let that be entered as "Exhibit A." The Phenom declares there will be no excuses when the match is over, because it will be No Holds Barred. Oh hell yeah, these two are going to beat the hell out of each other.

Backstage, the remnants of Nexus (MOST DANGEROUS GROUP EVER!) are assaulting Randy Orton. Well, I won't argue with CM Punk bashing Orton's head against a wall several times then hitting him with a Go To Sleep.

David Otunga vs. Randy Orton is our opening match and Orton had to be physically dragged to the ring for it. How does it feel to be attacked when you're already down, Randall Keith? Of course, that doesn't stop him from hitting an RKO and winning anyway. Sigh. Then Mason Ryan storms the ring and gets a Moss-Covered Three-Handled Family Gredunza... just kidding, he gets an RKO too. Then he punts David Otunga in the skull. Most dangerous group EVAR!

The Miz feels he has been treated as an afterthought in the Rock/Cena feud, so is boycotting Raw. Miz, you know I love you, but I don't think disappearing for a week is a good way to get people to notice you.

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio is next... OMG BRAND SPLIT IS OVER! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES! Del Rio doesn't really feel like wrestling tonight though and insists that is Christian ever wants a shot at the man that took him out, he has to go through the NXT runner-up, Brodus Clay! Good exposure for Brodus and if anyone's going to make him look like a Superstar right off the bat, it's Captain Charisma. Christian picks up the win with a tornado DDT in a fun little match, but is ambushed by Del Rio after the match. Del Rio perhaps re-injured Christian's pec with another Cross Armbreaker and oddly, Edge was nowhere to be found to make the save. Well that's not very nice of him.

Look how rude Randy Orton is, sitting on that family's table in that K-Mart commercial. Randall Keith Orton, you get down from there! Tables are for glasses, not asses!

Awesome hype video for Sin Cara. Can't wait to see him make his debut.

And the next member of the 2011 WWE Hall of Fame class is... Sunny! Sunny was one of the last great managers, and while she may be responsible for WWE's over-sexualizing their female performers, she was a hell of a talent.

Eve vs. Nikki Bella with the Diva's Championship on the line and this match could've been decent if it hadn't been about Michael Cole, who got up on the table and told them to hurry up and end it. Once again, why should I take the Divas seriously if WWE doesn't? WWE basically told people to go get some nachos or hit the bathroom, because what's happening right now doesn't matter.

It's hard to stay mad when Michael Cole is this good at being an asshole though, just wish they'd hurry up and get him off commentary though. Cole is here to announce his special guest referee, a former WWE Champion from Texas... John "Bradshaw" Layfield! Okay, that's awesome and WWE had all the copy and paste sites convinced that it was going to be Stone Cold. Brilliant swerve that no one saw coming.

JBL is killing it here, talking about how Jerry Lawler is a bully and that he "hates bullies." If you know anything about JBL, you know why that's hilarious. JBL's always a guy I've had mixed feelings on, but he also seemed to get better with age, excited to see him clown around with Cole, King and Swagger at WrestleMania.

But uh-oh, Stone Cold Steve Austin has arrived! Is it a swerve to the swerve? JBL eats a Stunner, Stone Cold drinks some beers, then signs the contract to referee the match between Cole and King. Okay, that's kinda odd, Stone Cold doesn't really have anything to do with this story... and that's not how contracts work! But hey, I'm never gonna complain about Stone Cold and Cole got beer poured on him tonight and will get a Stunner in 27 days, that's gonna be fun. And at least Cole himself didn't inexplicably pick Stone Cold as his referee.

Or maybe it's a swerve to a swerve to a swerve and he's secretly helping Michael Cole. STONE COLE! STONE COLE! STONE COLE!

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus is next, looks like there ain't no grave that can hold King Sheamus down. Excited to see these two work together, they've shown great chemistry in the past, but it looks like it ain't happening tonight. Bryan picks up a quick count-out victory when Sheamus injures his ankle outside the ring. Sheamus challenges Bryan to a rematch next week for the US Title and if he doesn't win, he'll quit. They could've just saved this for WrestleMania... and not bothered with yet another "career on the line" match.

CM Punk vs. R-Truth, let's see if this match actually gets some time. Well, kinda. Pretty short, but longer than what we've been getting outside of Raw main events, so at least there's that. Punk wins with the Anaconda Vice as well, which is cool, hopefully he'll make Orton tap out at WrestleMania!

I enjoyed this week's vignette with Shawn Michaels hyping up Triple H, saying he's the only guy who could remove emotion from the equation and that makes him very dangerous. I assume next week we'll get one specifically about The Undertaker?

Snooki on Raw next week makes me weep for humanity.

Vickie Guerrero is on her way to the ring! Yay! And because Vickie Guerrero is the best negotiator since Kevin Spacey, she's brought the hottest free agent in wrestling today to the Raw brand: former World Champion, Dolph Ziggler! And he's in action tonight against John Morrison, should be a fun match, but once again... why not just save this for WrestleMania? Ziggler picks up a big win in the longest match of the night so far and I'd really like to see these guys expand on this at the big stage.

Perhaps since I asked, I shall receive with The G?M chiming in? Perhaps not, the email clarifies that Dolph Ziggler was hired to Raw, but not Vickie. Vickie can have a job though if she wins her match next week... against Trish Stratus! Looks like that "leaked" WrestleMania card is legit after all. Hey, if Snooki wants to get on my good side, she'll help Vickie win next week so she can get a job. Snookster, I will forgive you for contributing to the downfall of western civilization if you do this favor for me.

John Cena is here in the main event slot to deliver the "final knockout" to The Rock, gonna be hard to top the rap from two weeks ago and if he makes one joke about someone eating toilet paper, I quit. Luckily, after a dangerously veering into Dane Cook territory, Cena has a new freestyle for us, complete with a new prop, The Rock's "I BRING IT... VIA SATELLITE" t-shirt. Rap wasn't as strong as the last one, but this one has something the last was missing, THE MIZ!!! Miz blasts Cena with the WWE Title and tells him that every time he focuses on The Rock, something like this happens.

Miz looks directly into the camera and addresses The Rock directly and tells him to know his role and be the "best Ryan Seacrest he can be." Miz caps it off by threatening to turn several objects sideways and stick it straight up Rock's candy ass, then hits Cena with a Skullcrushing Finale and... a mother f'n People's Elbow! Wait, wait, screw the people, it's THE AWESOME ELBOW!

Much, much better show this week. Still not as good as it should be, especially considering there are only three (count 'em, THREE) episodes of Raw left before WrestleMania, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. Lots of good story building, glad to see Dolph Ziggler back, Austin getting involved with King and Cole will only make it more fun and The Miz was nothing short of A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Quite a bit of stuff I can't bring myself to care about, like the Divas and Randy Orton, but I'm not going to let the negatives overshadow the improvements, hopefully my cautious optimism will payoff just in time for Mania.

WWE: The True Story of WrestleManiaWWE: Greatest Stars of the '90sWWE From the Vault - Shawn Michaels

5 comments:

  1. worst case scenario is gonna happen :( sadly christian is gonna tap out to the armbar ... or edge will just interfere or something stupid like that.

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  2. I would rather have the ultra PG WWE than that JerseyShore promo. Just ... Saying.

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  3. Over the last year, Kane beat Undertaker like 10 times in a row .. just throw kane in there with UT, and he will end the streak :) include paul bearer! it's easy.

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  4. That was the best I've ever seen the Miz.

    Stealing the People's Elbow was a great idea. That kind of stuff has always gotten the Rock's attention.

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  5. I do think it was Miz's defining moment as a top guy. He just looked so damn evil.

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