Monday, March 14, 2011

WWE Raw thoughts - March 14, 2011

WWE, can I ask a favor? Just for shits and giggles, can you make every match tonight at least 89 seconds? Raw's been a bit of a roller coaster as of late in terms of quality, but we're down to the final three Raws before WrestleMania, so I'm hoping WWE brings their A-game tonight. I'm optimistic they will. Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of tonight's show and of course, follow me on Twitter for the ongoing absurdity.

And Raw is LIVE... with The Rock via satellite! The Great One is on the phone with President Obama and is smelling what Barack is cookin. "John Cena" storms into The Rock's home, or at least a little fella that looks like your average Cena fan. Remember when you were a little kid and all the normal WWE t-shirts would never fit you, but Grandma always managed to find the awful K-Mart shirts with the picture collage on it? Did they really think grown adults were going to run around in this shirt?

I looked like I was wearing a damn nightgown!

I feel like the point has escaped me. Okay, so The Rock and lil' Cena crack some jokes and do their bit, it's kinda funny, but like everything Rock's done since his return, it would be a lot better in front of a live crowd. Rock turns his attention to The Miz and vows he'll do just that on an upcoming episode of Raw... sorry, St. Louis!

At ringside, Michael Cole is broadcasting inside a glass box. He claims it's to protect himself from Jerry Lawler, but I think it's probably because he ate Alex Riley's liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Speaking of things that are awesome, The Miz is here to totally upstage Mr. Johnson's Neighborhood. Miz makes the excellent point that unlike The Rock just talking about beating up John Cena, he's actually done it... three weeks in a row. The Most Must-See WWE Champion in the history of WWE Champions warns The Rock that the same thing will happen to him if he ever does "bring it." Miz gets a little too intimate with the microphone when he tells us that he's awesome, which is kinda creepy... creepy awesome though. Excellent work from the WWE Champion, which is nothing new, but I always feel the need to point it out, since ya know, Miz > Rock & Cena combined!

The G?M chimes in and announces two first-time ever matches for both Miz and Cena. John Cena will be going one-on-one with Alberto Del Rio (really, giving that one away?) and Miz has to face... The Great Khali.

The Miz vs. The Great Khali is our opening contest and just when it looks like Khali is going to his best Kids in the Hall impression and crush Miz's head, Alex Riley saves the day, causing the DQ. Khali may have won the battle, but Miz is winning the war with a series of NASTY! chair shots to Khali's back, literally breaking the legs off the steel chair in the process. FEAR MIZ!

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is forced to walk by that street trash, Snooki, who is busy hanging out with one of the two men more tanned than her, John Morrison (the other is the Speaker of the House). Snooki had the audacity to insult and slap Vickie, but that's not surprising coming from someone with absolutely no class, she's lucky Vickie is a classy lady.

US Title on the line with Daniel Bryan taking on Sheamus. OMG, it said "King Sheamus" on the graphic and the dirtsheets told me he wouldn't be called King Sheamus anymore! Too many lies! Too many lies! Hopefully this match gets some time unlike last week, these two guys have tremendous chemistry and I'd love to see them work together at WrestleMania. Hell, have Sheamus win tonight and put them in a cage at WrestleMania, just because there hasn't been a cage match at Mania in 25 years!

Good TV match here with that trademark Bryan style of getting the crowd super hot the longer the match goes on, LOVED his counter of the High Cross. Bryan looked to have the match won, but made the mistake of going to the top rope and caught a Brogue Kick, we've got a new United States Champion! I'm confident all the people who said Sheamus was getting buried will now say Bryan is buried. Honestly, I'm kinda bummed to see Bryan lose the US Title, he didn't get enough to do as champ, but maybe he'll go after The Miz's WWE Title after Cap'n Awesome beats both The Rock and John Cena in one night! Sorry, I was dreaming out loud again.

Michael Cole is in the ring to commit "verbal regicide," by bringing out Jerry Lawler's biological son, "Grandmaster Sexay" Brian Christopher. Well, this is gonna be awkward. Yep, Christopher talks about how Lawler neglected him, then Jerry tells him he's a bigger screw-up than Charlie Sheen. Christopher brings up the somewhat depressing point that he competed at WrestleMania before Lawler did, then repeatedly slaps his dad in the face and walks off. This is falling flat, it's certainly a little too real for my tastes and the crowd simply doesn't remember (or care to remember) Grandmaster Sexay.

But hey, business just picked up, Jim Ross is here!!! The TRUE voice of WWE, but of course, he's too modest to ever admit it. JR is SHOOTING~! here, mentioning that Lawler has been carrying Cole for years, like a Mama Kangaroo... except he's not a kangaroo, he's a rat bastard! Absolutely loving this.

JR tries to walk away gracefully, but Cole says he's got a case of the limbertail and it looks like these two are going to engage in fisticuffs! Ah, but the trap has been sprung, Jack Swagger attacks Lawler at ringside, then enters the ring, kicking JR and applying the Ankle Lock. What a dick! Lawler tries to make the save and falls victim to the vicious hold as well... then Cole puts the Ankle Lock on JR! You son. of. a. bitch! I want Cole's head on a pike at WrestleMania.

Edge & Christian are challenging for the Tag Titles on Smackdown!

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan and the crowd ERUPTED for Orton since they're in his hometown of St. Louis, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Cardinals fans have horrible taste in wrestlers too! Suck it, Pujols! Yeah yeah, Orton hits the RKO - LIKE OMG TOTALLY OUTTA NOWHERE! - and it will be a one-on-one match at WrestleMania. At least Punk finally had rid himself of the albatross known as The Nexus. Oh and I'm sure you're shocked to learn Orton also punted Mason Ryan in the head, then twitched like a total dweeb.

Drew Carey is the next inductee in the WWE Hall of Fame, heading into the Celebrity Wing! That's fun. I've actually heard people complaining about how Drew Carey hasn't "done enough" to be in the WWE Hall of Fame. Uh... you do realize the Celebrity Wing was created as a joke to mock the legit sports world for not inducting Pete Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame, right? It's harmless fun, lighten up!

New York Times Bestselling Author, Snooki. It's the saddest thing I've heard since WWE Champion, Randy Orton. Vickie Guerrero heads to the ring and claims Snooki stole her Rolling Stone cover, oh man, I can't wait till that picture is on Tumblr, along with the new meme, "Vickie Guerrero Rides Things."

Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus is your comic relief portion of the night, with Vickie throwing shoes, Dolph Ziggler trying to save the day, and LayCool running in to help Vickie win and get a Raw contract. Hey, LayCool is stealing The Miz's gimmick of taking cell phone pictures during matches! After the match, McCool gets in Snooki's face, but Snooki grabbed her off the apron, then proceeded to hit Layla with a better Thesz Press than Orton's... or Lou Thesz's! Vickie issues the challenge and it looks like we're going to get Dolph Ziggler & LayCool vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus & SNOOKI at WrestleMania. Is it wrong that not only am I looking forward to this match, but was actually impressed by Snooki?

So friggin stoked for Sin Cara

Main Event time! Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena with the match starting at 11:04, so it's safe to expect seven shades of shenanigans here. But supposedly The Rock is here and they're going to commercial during the overrun... somethings about to go down!

Cena has the match in control, but Brodus Clay breaks up the Attitude Adjustment, causing the DQ. SHOCKER! Del Rio and Clay gang up on Cena but...


THE ROCK is coming to save John Cena!!! Oh wait, it's even better than The Rock, it's THE MIZ! Miz is rocking a sweet bald cap, hits the ring, stalks Cena and nails him with a JUMPING Rock Bottom! ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! Miz obliterates Cena, grabbing a mic and telling Cena he owns him, in between shots to the skull. Miz hits a nasty suplex on the ramp, Cena tries to fight back, but gets a kick-start DDT on the stage for his troubles. Okay, the suplex was nasty, but that DDT was NASTY~! See? I even used the tilde! Then a Skullcrushing Finale into the giant WWE logo on the stage! Who's the afterthought now?!

Do you smell what The Miz is cookin? I loved tonight's episode of Raw. Just two weeks removed from one of the worst in recent memory, I think WWE hit a certified home run tonight. Maybe an inside-the-park home run, but a home run nonetheless. The show was light on wrestling, but I enjoyed literally every segment and nothing felt out of place. Hell, I even enjoyed Snooki, despite the fact that I refuse to watch Jersey Shore and feel it is contributing to the downfall of civilization, but much like Kevin Federline, she fit in with WWE a little too well.

Even Michael Cole, who has been absolutely insufferable as of late, found the sweet spot in his role tonight and played a perfect blend of commentator and giant a-hole. My only gripe with the evening was Brian Christopher's cameo falling flat, but the addition of JR and the An-Cole Lock brought the segment right back and wound up being what would've been the most riveting part of the show had The Miz not stolen it at the end of the night. The build has been a little shaky, but I finally feel like it's WrestleMania season. Marvelous show!

The Rock: The Most Electrifying Man in Sports EntertainmentWWE WrestleMania 24The Drew Carey Show: The Complete First Season


  1. You get major kudos for using MARVELOUS - next time, try to squeeze in DANK. Hah.

    I'll admit it (as usual) that I marked out for JR, and I knew right away something was up.

    As for The Miz: AWESOME.

  2. I absolutely would wear that Razor Ramon shirt today... and I'm 26, LOL.

  3. great ep of Raw and thank god for the plan/realization that the Miz was involved in the main event too and the have him make a real statement over the past few weeks, now i can believe that not only is he involved in the angle but that The Rock and Cena would put aside their differances for the 'greater good' to teach that mean Miz a lesson, which is the way it should be.

    I thought overall it was a good Raw however, don't like when they get too real i think it can be used well, eg Matt, Edge and Lita but stuff like this and getting the kids involved in the Jeff and Kurt angle takes it a bit too far for me

    anywho only a few weeks to WM and good old TNA showing why they will never reach WCW's level with the current set up

    You think after that insult of a main event and Sting was walking up that ramp agreeing with the fans reaction he was thinking (i could have been walking out in front of over 50,000 fans at the biggest wrestling event Vs Taker)