Monday, February 28, 2011

WWE Raw thoughts - February 28, 2011

WWE has confirmed The Rock will be "on" this show, however, whether that means in the arena or via satellite has yet to be determined. Regardless (or irregardless, if Taz is reading), I'm excited to see the next chapter in the Rock vs. Cena saga. And surely we'll get more out of Triple H and The Undertaker, unless they're going to go this entire feud without speaking a word to each other. Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of tonight's show and please follow me on Twitter for ongoing absurdity.

Cold open for Raw and it's TIME TO PLAY THE GAAAAAAAAAAAAME! MUHUHUHAH! The match is confirmed, Triple H will challenge The Undertaker's Streak at WrestleMania, and The Game has a mic, sadly putting an end to my hopes for a silent feud. Triple H is reminding us that he's done it all in WWE, won every title (not the US Title!), every accolade, and in his 16 years with WWE, he's outlasted everyone... except The Undertaker. He claims Taker's only challenge left is holding onto the streak and Triple H's only challenge left is ending it (and winning the US Title), and something's gonna give at WrestleMania 27. These guys are the only two left from a bygone era and Triple H is looking to narrow that list down to one, simple and effective story. Surprised no mention of Shawn Michaels though, perhaps they're waiting on that.

Hey, Sheamus is here! Everyone's been wondering if he was going to come out and remind us that he was the one that took out The Game and he's here! Yay, logical storytelling! Oh... Triple H didn't forget either, so Sheamus gets a kick in the nards and a Pedigree through the announce table. Ya know, sometimes logical storytelling should wait until after WrestleMania.

And it looks like they're not waiting long for involvement from HBK, he'll weigh in on The Undertaker vs. Triple H later tonight.

And The Rock is via satellite. Boo.

After commercial, things go from bad to worse for ol' Sheamus because he was scheduled for a match tonight, against EVAN BOURNE! Bourne makes quick work of Sheamus and finishes him off with the Shooting Star Press, I think WWE just ended two potential feuds in one fell swoop there.

Michael Cole is out next to respond to Jerry Lawler's WrestleMania challenge and declines... unless Lawler agrees to two stipulations: Cole gets his trainer in his corner and gets to pick the special guest referee. Lawler agrees, even if Cole has Saba Simba in his corner. Ah, good ol' nostalgic WWE racism. Cole introduces his trainer, "The All American-American" Jack Swagger! Hey, it's not like he had anything else to do. Swagger gets Lawler in the ankle lock and it looks like it's Michael Cole: 1, Jerry Lawler: 0.

Stone Cold on Raw next week! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Michael Cole is back in the announce booth though now that Lawler's been taken out, that's unfortunate. Cole's way better on a mic than a headset.

Oh and things just go from bad to worse, Randy Orton is here to talk. Blah, blah, blah, gonna put CM Punk in a hospital, I'm so evil and like to hurt people, yadda, yadda, yadda. Thankfully Orton's cut off by CM Punk and some guys that hang out with CM Punk, but our savior isn't going to put Orton in a hospital, he's going to put him "in the ground." Okay, that's a little dark, Punk.

The G?M chimes in and signs CM Punk vs. Randy Orton at WrestleMania. Not really a surprise, but in an odd twist, Orton has to face the members of the New Nexus over the next three weeks and if any of them win, they get to be in Punk's corner at WrestleMania. Spoiler: none of them will be in Punk's corner at WrestleMania. Randy Orton vs. Mike McGillicutty is the first of these matches and amazingly lasts long enough to go to a commercial break. Mr. Imperfect actually put up a fight here, but you know he doesn't have a chance of winning and there's the RKO to prove it. Oh and after the match, the big brave Randy Orton kicks a helpless man in the head and runs away at the first sign of a legitimate challenge. What a pansy.

Finally things are looking up with the arrival of the Most Must-See WWE Champion in History, The Miz, but unfortunately they made me relive that incredibly stupid main event from last week's show. Save this show, Miz! The WWE Champion is bringing the goods as usual, talking about how he's getting overlooked during John Cena vs. The Rock, but it doesn't matter because they can trash talk each other all day then he'll beat them BOTH at WrestleMania. Damn right you will, Champ!

John Cena rudely interrupts, and it's not serious business John Cena or even rapping John Cena, it's open mic night John Cena, the worst of the Three Faces of Cena. Terrible, terrible exchange with Cena and Alex Riley, culminating with Cena's never-ending barrage of gay jokes. Yawn. Cena wants A-Ri out of the picture at WrestleMania and challenges him to a match tonight with his internship on the line. The G?M wants to make sure The Miz stays out of this match tonight though and puts it inside a steel cage! Well at least something interesting came out of this.

Diva Battle Royal to determine Eve's opponent at WrestleMania (I assume?), and we're down to the final three before I can even type this sentence. Brie Bella wins after Nicki was eliminated, but Brie was already eliminated? Oh who cares? No one in the audience did, because WWE doesn't care either.

FINALLY... and I'm not just saying that because it's The Rock, it's because FINALLY this show might not suck. Of course, The Rock isn't here tonight, which kinda takes away from the punch of his response, and it's a bit absurd for him to say "FINALLY, The Rock has come back to Buffalo."

The Rock gives us another fiery speech, talking about how John Cena insulted him and his family when he questioned Rock's passion for WWE in public. I could go into detail about Rock calling him a "Yabba Dabba Bitch" or how he promised to address Cena "sooner than you think," but you either saw this live or will watch it on YouTube and anything I say won't do it justice. It's The Rock being The Rock and it's got me very excited for his match with John Cena... that isn't happening.

And now we're going to talk to Shawn Michaels... via satellite. I bet Buffalo fans are happy they paid $50 to watch a show on the TitanTron in a really uncomfortable chair.

Finally some wrestling, Daniel Bryan is out to compete and is ambushed by The Miz for some reason. Yeah, who needed wrestling?

Main Event time, Alex Riley vs. John Cena inside a steel cage. Finally, a little bit of enjoyment out of this show with The Miz at ringside, live-tweeting John Cena's agony, even taking a picture of his face being rubbed in the steel mesh.

So Cena wins, eats a Skullcrushing Finale as soon as he escapes the cage, and Alex Riley is no longer under Miz's employ, I assume freeing him up to be Michael Cole's special guest referee? No big deal, Miz doesn't need an apprentice and A-Ri isn't going anywhere as the guy who takes losses for the WWE Champ. Put him and Swagger together as a legit tag team after Mania and let them do their own thing, they'd be great together.

That's the last time I'll use the word "great" in this review. Tonight's Raw was abysmal, if I was a fan who paid to get into this sold out show, I wouldn't be going to the next one just on general principle. Was it the worst Raw ever? Probably not, but it's definitely the worst I've seen in sometime, probably since the Dennis Miller Slammys. And the fact that there are only four Raws left until WrestleMania makes this horrendous show even more offensive.

I thought the ending to last week's show was bad, well WWE sure showed me tonight! Virtually no wrestling, the stuff with Sheamus, that awful Cena/Riley bit at the top of the 10pm hour, Randy Orton being Randy Orton, a Diva Battle Royal that no one cared about, just a terrible show. The Rock's pre-tape was great (okay, I lied about not saying "great" anymore), Miz was awesome and Cole/Lawler was a lot of fun, but that's it. C'mon, it's the Road to WrestleMania!

WWE: The True Story of WrestleManiaWWE: DX: One Last StandWWE: Royal Rumble 2011 [Blu-ray/ DVD combo]


  1. After Cena's little rap, The Rock should be thoroughly incensed, so whether it's in the arena or via satellite, it should be pretty good!

  2. Yeh, so ahem, Orton's the new Stone Cold, coz, like, stone cold built his reputation on boring the shite out of people and then kicking them in the head and running away like a little primary school bitch :) Just like SCSA!! woop

  3. CM Better had beat orton in WM (How much of a dumbass mark do these last two comments make me sound??) lol

  4. The miz is Jericho. Nuff said!

  5. the rock can do better than that. John Cena is still winning so far in this "war of words" in my very humble (and correct) opinion.

  6. the miz is fucking brutal

  7. CM Better had beat orton in WM (How much of a dumbass mark do these last two comments make me sound??) lol

    Mind trying that sentence again? Cannot parse.

    Am I the only person that thinks the Sheamus stuff isn't bad? I mean, let's look at the alternatives. WWE could have done one of three things:

    1) Handled it the way that they did.
    2) Completely ignored the fact that Triple H and Sheamus have unsettled history and done nothing with the feud until it can be completely rekindled after Mania.
    3) Had a match with Triple H, where Sheamus loses definitively.

    Option 2 wouldn't fly - it's a small locker room. There's no reason why, from a kayfabe standpoint, HHH and Sheamus wouldn't implode backstage. Inevitably, this leads to option 3, killing off a feud in no uncertain terms.

    With the way they handled it, Sheamus's current storyline of being down on his luck (which was, I believe, what they were establishing last week with Bryan) gets a boost, Sheamus gets another potential WM opponent in Evan Bourne (or maybe a triple threat with Daniel Bryan for the US strap) and the possibility of a continuation of the Triple H/Sheamus stuff is there in the future.

    This is why I found talk on Twitter of Sheamus being buried so hilarious (Well, that and the fact that a year ago, people were bitching about Sheamus getting his spot at the top of the card because he has pull with Triple H). It's not like Triple H's beatdown of Sheamus was born out of a fair fight - Triple H kicked him in the balls while Sheamus looked like he was there to gloat/taunt/be an asshole. Simply put, Sheamus is still believable as a threat - all it takes is a single Brogue kick after Wrestlemania.

  8. "CM Better had beat orton in WM (How much of a dumbass mark do these last two comments make me sound??) lol"

    Sorry about my overly abbreviated, British-leaning, in-talk (for smarks).

    Let me translate (since I am not drinking pints of whiskey like I was last night)!


    C.M Punk should definitely defeat Randy Orton come Wrestlemania.

    Then ...

    Self awareness kicks in, and I realise how "dumbass" (being an american-ism; a contraction of "Dumb" and "Asshole" ...whiskey does this to me) and how much of an "mark" I appear to be.

    That's about it...