Monday, January 24, 2011

WWE Raw thoughts - January 24, 2011

It's the first Raw since the arrival of BEARDTISTA~!, how will the WWE Universe respond to the new member of New Nexus? New. Also, it's Champion vs. Champion tonight with World Champion Edge taking on the most must-see WWE Champion in history, THE MIZ! Refresh your page for ongoing coverage of the final Raw before the Royal Rumble!

And it looks like we're starting off with the World Heavyweight Champion, Edge has arrived! Edge doesn't want to wait for the Champion vs. Champion match, but his nemesis, The G?M chimes in and clarifies that the match will occur later in the evening. Since he (or she) isn't happy about Edge and his crazy eyes, he's arranged a mini Rumble for the coveted #40 spot with Edge taking on Drew McIntyre, Tyson Kidd and Jack Swagger, and hey, none of them win! McIntyre did hit a NASTY! kick to Edge's face though.

After the "match," Edge goes to destroy Michael Cole's laptop again, but is interrupted by Nexus ft. BEARDTISTA! Edge inexplicably disappears and CM Punk talks about evolving and officially introduces Mason Ryan to the audience, who merely says "faith." Well, ya gotta have faith. CM Punk promises to make Nexus the most dominant group in WWE history, and then my fears come true, The Corre is here. No one wants to see two groups of a-holes square off, WWE, keep these groups as far apart as possible! Of course, that means they're gonna fight, The G?M announces CM Punk vs. Wade Barrett and the loser's entire team is out of the Royal Rumble... and John Cena is going to be special referee. Shenanigans, ahoy!

Our first official match of the evening is tag team action with John Morrison & Mark Henry vs. King Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio, which might be the greatest tag team ever. These guys need to team up permanently - your mission tonight is to come up with an awesome name for Sheamus & Del Rio.

We're back from commercial and I realize I haven't written a word about this match yet: it's good. Now let's talk about the fact that MICHAEL FREAKING TARVER is backstage. Of course, they're only filming him from the waist up because we can't show the pile of soulless bodies at his feet. Back in the ring, the crowd is on fire, Sheamus flies to the outside, Morrison hits a big corkscrew plancha, but it looked like he tweaked his knee. Del Rio locked in the Cross Armbreaker on Henry and picked up the win for Lucky Charms. Fun match. Seriously hope Morrison isn't injured though, he was currently my favorite to win the Rumble.

Melina vs. Natalya for the Divas Championship. How do I sum up this match? I believe NASTY would be the word? Melina's submission, Natalya's near neck-breaking hiptoss, and then of course, the ACCORDION SHARPSHOOTER! Weird Al Yankovic would be proud, Nattie. After the match, LayCool announce they're invoking their rematch clause at the Rumble. Of course they are. Call me when Kong gets here.

Backstage, yeah yeah "Faith," I got it.

And hey, John Cena and The Miz are trading words. Cena walks off before Miz can destroy him, very wise of him. Miz is above that anyway, he's got champions to beat!

The Miz vs. Edge is next, and hey, we get the added bonus of Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero on commentary. Excited for this match, it's relatively fresh and both guys do well in situations like this, I'm kinda upset they're just giving it away on free TV!

But even though they're "giving it away," we're missing most of it since WWE can't stop going to commercial! C'mon! Still, these guys have gotten damn near 20 minutes so far and are tearing it up. Of course, it can't end clean, we got a PPV to sell, so Dolph Ziggler attacks and causes the DQ, but this brings out Randy Orton with RKOs for all... except The Miz, who blasts him in the knee with the briefcase! Beautiful. Sets up Smackdown's main event well, Rated RKO vs. Miz & Ziggler, and I'll be in the arena for that one!

Six-person mixed tag action next with Daniel Bryan & The Bella Twins (blurg) vs. Ted DiBiase, Maryse & Alicia Fox (triple blurg). Maryse picks up an almost instant win when one Bella tries making out with Bryan while the other gets rolled up. Embarrassingly bad stuff here, even letting this on television is insulting to me as a fan.

Backstage, it turns out Daniel Bryan's been with Gail Kim the whole time and just hung out with The Bellas because he felt sorry for them. A stunning level of honesty spills out when Kim tells the Bellas without guest stars, they have nothing to do, the Bellas call her an afterthought, and then we have a catfight. Can we be done now? Please?

Husky Harris & Michael McGillicutty vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov in a non-title match in the infamous 10:40 spot is next. Nexus picks up the win in a... what's the nice way of saying it... bad match and get a title shot at the Rumble. No thank you.

Main Event time! CM Punk vs. Wade Barrett in an ill-advised match with an ill-advised stipulation with John Cena as the special guest referee. I'm expecting serious shenanigans here, because just letting this go as is seems like a horrible idea. John Cena's drunk with authority (or just drunk) and ejects both Corre and Nexus from ringside, then shoves CM Punk and slaps Wade Barrett. Cena then disqualifies both men for "excessive profanity" and claims claims they're both out of the Royal Rumble, but luckily The G?M puts a stop to this mind-numbing stupidity. The decision is reversed and Cena is forced to apologize or he'll be out of the Rumble instead.

Cena mouths "I'm sorry," punches both guys in the face, Nexus and Corre storm the ring, then Big Show and Various Royal Rumble Participants join the fray and we get the big clusterfuck before the Rumble to end the show.

I'm pretty sure watching that final segment was the closest you can get to being lobotomized by your television. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy to entertain guy, and a lot of stuff WWE does that pisses off the smarks just makes me laugh, but c'mon, this was stupid. The entire storyline for the evening turned out to be a big pile of nothing and an excuse for Cena to do his "HUR HUR, I'M FUNNY!" shtick and then cause the big brawl. Once again, WWE promises a stipulation and doesn't follow through, which I think they've done more in the last 12 months than in the last 25 years I've been watching. Please stop doing that, it's aggravating.

Overall, Raw itself wasn't bad, especially everything between the opening match and the end of the Miz/Edge match. But Nexus vs. Corre seems like a terrible idea, putting them on the same page seems like a retread of the Alliance, and John Cena is becoming increasingly insufferable. I like John Cena, but I like preachy Reverend Cena, the guy who is fun until you piss him off and then gets serious business. But lately, Cena's just been an a-hole, like The Rock at his absolute worst, with even less charm. Who am I supposed to be cheering here?! Agh, my brain! Smackdown, please help us set the proper tone for Sunday.

WWE RAW: The Best of 2010Raw "The Beginning": The Best of Seasons 1 & 2RAW: The Best of 2009

9 comments:

  1. Burrit O'Shaunnessey!

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  2. Oh my hermosa Melina has become a jobber. It makes me wanna cry :(

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  3. Mason just spoke welsh ... I can just imagine what's going to happen to Ray's internal organs at that!

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  4. Welp, I'll be watching Smackdown this week. Dolph and Miz teaming? Sign me the fuck up.

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  5. Yes, I get virgins and vegans mixed up too. I gotta say, Gail is so much better of a choice than the bellas :) but ... I am partial to the "Asian Girls" ... I married one lol!

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  6. They let Mason Ryan speak Welsh, gay. I don't ever get why they don't let Sheamus speak Irish, I was like a giddy schoolgirl when he spoke that one line when he debuted. It's rare I get to understand what foreign heels are saying to get heat and I miss it. :(

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  7. I thought they've let Sheamus speak Gaelic before?

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  8. They let hims speak one line on his debut.

    "Conas atá tú? Sheamus is ainm dom."

    Which was as basic a line you could get. Apparently he's fluent too, so he might as well go for it. If I were Sheamus I'd talk about the most random things that came to my head, nobody would know anyway.

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  9. I'm from Belfast, and I know about 2 lines of Gaelic, so anything over and above those are a miss with me! lol

    Sláinte!

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