Monday, August 30, 2010

WWE Raw thoughts - August 30, 2010 -- 900 Episodes!

It's Raw's "Record-Breaking 900th Episode" and we are live blogging. Refresh your page with ongoing coverage of tonight's (hopefully) big show!

And what better way to start off the 900th Raw than with a guy who was around for the very first, Bret "The Hitman" Hart! There's only one guy left in WWE that's been around that long, and that's The Undertaker... which cues the World Heavyweight Champion, Kane! Here's how long Raw's been on the air, when the show started, we hadn't even seen Isaac Yankem yet. Kane says The Undertaker took out an icon at WrestleMania, so he needs to take out an icon tonight; The Hart Dynasty tries to save Bret, but are quickly swatted away. Just as Kane had his throat around Bret's throat... GONG! The Undertaker is here! Kane runs off, but The G?M chimes in to make a historic main event for this historic show - The Undertaker vs. Bret Hart?? Well, how are they going to get themselves out of this one?

Clips from the first Raw featuring a Max Moon sighting! That's like seeing a white Bengal tiger in the wild.

Our first match tonight is a triple threat tag team match, which is weird enough, but the teams are Kofi Kingston & Michael McGillicutty vs. The Miz & Alex Riley vs. Kaval & Daniel Bryan?! That collective "BOING!" sound you just heard comes from smarks around the world. Fun little match, Miz picks up the win for his team after nailing Kaval with the Skullcrushing Finale, and then clocks Daniel Bryan after the match with his heavily dented MITB briefcase. Would've liked to see this one go a little longer, but it was worth it for the WTF? factor alone.

Jerry Lawler just hyped the main event of Nexus vs. Team WWE by asking "what happens when a tornado meets a volcano?" Well Jerry, I think Rihanna gets set on fire and Charlie from Lost beats up Megan Fox, but that's just my own personal experience.

LayCool vs. Melina & Eve up next, and the match was over by the time I wrote that. But watch out, it's not over yet, Michelle McCool has a microphone. Oh no! At Night of Champions, it's one member of LayCool vs. Melina to unify the Divas and Womens Titles. Finally WWE has learned that it's pointless to have two belts when only a handful of women on the roster are actually watchable in the ring.

Flashback to last year's Price Is Raw, which was obviously the best use of the Guest Host gimmick throughout its entire existence.

Backstage Chris Jericho vows to leave WWE if he doesn't win the WWE Title at Night of Champions. Looks like Chris is taking time off again! He's this generation's Roddy Piper!

#1 contenders match for the WWE Tag Team Titles next, John Morrison & R-Truth vs. "DASHING" Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre. And hey, a double-DQ finish, why not? Lame, I was hoping for Morrison to turn heel and for DASHING & Drew to go after the tag titles.

Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker in the 10pm main event... this should be interesting. Should've guessed Nexus would be involved here, and Wade Barrett wants to make history, and goes right after The Undertaker?! As they say, more guts than brains. But after Barrett is tossed from the ring, the lights go out and Kane is there, but the lights go out again, no Kane, but here comes the rest of Nexus. Well, what's left of Nexus after Skip Sheffield's unfortunate injury. Lights go out AGAIN and Wade Barrett has Undertaker on his shoulders and lays him out! Justin Gabriel adds the exclamation point, and no matter how they did it, Nexus took out The Undertaker. Oh you guys are SO dead.

Hey, Jackie Swaggs is here! Swagger's here to take on this guy you might remember named Evan Bourne, who got a huge win a couple months ago in the main event of Raw and the crowd went bonkers for the guy, then he disappeared and they did nothing with him? Oh and of course, since it's this Raw, we can't have a match go longer than one minute without something goofy happening, Alberto Del Rio is here! I love Alberto as much as the next guy, but come on! Bourne misses the SSP, taps out to the Ankle Lock, then Del Rio picks the scraps to recreate his attack on Rey Mysterio. Mark Henry makes the save for... some reason I guess? Sigh.

As bad as this Raw has gotten, at least it's not a Resident Evil movie.

But hey, CM Punk is here to save the day to tell us that he's better than The Rock and make fun of the Katie Vick storyline! Punk's here to show us some of the most vile segments in Raw history, but considering it's a PG show now, I don't think they can show the most vile acts in Raw's history. But since I'm here to help, here are my Bottom Four:

-1. Katie Vick
-2. Trish Stratus being forced to bark like a dog.
-3. Choppy Choppy Your Pee Pee
-4. "She's got a penis!" Oh Sexual Chocolate, we miss you.

CM Punk's worst moment though was Austin spraying The Corporation with the beer hose and asks the crowd if they'd like to see that happen to him.

CRASH!

Stone Cold's music hits and the crowd EXPLODES, but ah, it's the oldest trick in the book. CM Punk doesn't care that he disappointed you, because you're a stupid drunk and you smell. Punk's favorite clip though comes from Smackdown when Big Show was superplexed by "I don't know who that other guy was," (hilarious) and broke the ring. That's Big Show's cue, and the World's Largest Athlete is wearing the world's largest suit. Punk's Captain Insane-O reference will be the highlight of the show, even though Big Show busted out the "Showster" impression. Funny stuff, and hopefully will get this show back on track.

Triple H's return from 2002 shown... that's gotta be one of the five loudest crowds I've ever heard.

And that's the cue for Sheamus to talk about how he took out The Game forever and now he's got five other guys gunning for "me WWE Title." Lucky Charms joke would be too easy there. Oddly enough, Edge interrupts (remember him?) to list off his accolades (none of which have occurred lately), and talk about how he's going to win the Six Pack Challenge.

Main Event time! A five-on-five elimination match with maybe 15 minutes left in the show, so this should be an interesting clusterfuck. Sheamus, Edge, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Nexus, and I my shenanigan senses are definitely tingling.

Chris Jericho & Michael Tarver start things off, but Jericho obviously wants to keep his soul for the PPV, so he got himself counted out. Edge came in next and shoved Little Naitch for a DQ! And we're already and 5-on-3. To make this even more bizarre, Heath Slater just pinned the WWE Champion and I'm now officially an atheist. And Justin Gabriel just pinned John Cena!? WHAT IS HAPPENING?! After a lot of RKOs, it's down to Barrett and Orton and Wade Barrett gets the win?! Absolutely bizarre.

Well, that sucked. Not the worst Raw this year, but definitely the weirdest. New rule: WWE shouldn't do "specials," because they always disappoint and they always try to cram way too much in. Nexus is down to five members, they needed to do something shocking and add a new member or two to really make an impact, a win here is nice, but doesn't really do anything for anybody. The rest of the show didn't do anything for anyone else either, especially not WWE fans. CM Punk and Big Show were awesome, so make sure you check their segment out on YouTube or WWE.com if you missed the RECORD-BREAKING 900th Episode, but you can definitely skip the rest.

Oh and SUCK IT, CHEERS! I DON'T WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS MY NAME! RAW HAS WAY MORE EPISODES THAN YOUR STUPID FACE!

Cheers: The Complete First SeasonThe Simpsons: The Complete Twentieth SeasonSeinfeld - The Complete SeriesAlly McBeal: The Complete First Season

15 comments:

  1. What happens when a volcano meets a tornado? L. Ron Hubbard gets blown. At least, that's how I thought that joke went.

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  2. Why does Justin Gabriel insist on doing that move everytime? It takes him forever to steady himself on the ropes and then he always lands wrong and has to stand there grabbing himself afterwards.

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  3. Justin Gabriel is a one trick pony. He is no good other than the one spot of "shooting star press". I am however, hoping to be proved wrong ... hopefully he is better than just that one move, but so far, I am singularly unimpressed by him for that reason.

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  4. Raws 900 episode is a bust. What a shame, I been watching raw since the first show, if this Is the best they can do I wonder if they will make to 1000 shows. Raw use to be great now well it's ok. I find myself changing channels until something comes on raw that I want to see. And what's up with all the new faces over the past couple of years. Guess they are looking for replacements for the likes of Austin, rock, dx, hogan, flair, Macho man an the many more I am not listing. The new pups have a long way to go to feel there shoes. And were the he'll is triple h? An who is she-amus?

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  5. If that's the show that makes you wonder if they'll make it to 1000, then you've missed A LOT of the previous 900 episodes. As bad as that was, Raw's been WAY worse. Hell, they've been way worse in the last six months.

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  6. Your "Suck it, Cheers!" tweet was more entertaining than anything else on Raw tonight (except for C.M. Punk, of course).

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  7. Yes they have enough money to by 1000, but it has been bad for way longer than 6 months. I have seen a lot of bad shows, but this many in a row, is crazy

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  8. Raw's been fairly decent lately (tonight excluded). Nowhere near as bad as it was last year, which was pretty much week after week of shit from the Draft until 2010.

    And perhaps you're forgetting the years where Raw was main evented with matches like The Legion of Doom vs. The Godwinns? I'm sorry, but if you think this is WWE at its worst, you either have rose-tinted glasses on, or you just started watching in the last couple years.

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  9. This was me during the show= :|
    except for Bourne vs Swagger (before Del Rio), Punkers and Show, and... uh... nevermind. I'm disappointed, but it was ok. I feel bad that I wasted my time watching the shit parts (pretty much 90% of the entire show) as well.
    My biggest question...
    Where was Santino?

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  10. Mark Henry vs. Del Rio's steel chair was the best match of the night.

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  11. Razor I guess you have trouble with reading comprehension. Wwe at it's worst not even close. But the way things are going it could get a lot worse. I can remember the days even before the wwf, I have seen the highs and lows. But I don't ever remember lows lasting this long.

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  12. You don't remember the lows lasting this long? Then you DEFINITELY haven't been watching that long. Go watch 1993-1997, and aside from Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels breaking their backs carrying the company, things were pretty awful.

    WWE was on the brink of bankruptcy at that point, Diesel was the lowest drawing champion in company history, they were still pushing a cartoony product (especially in the midcard), guys were leaving left and right, WCW was kicking their ass and Vince McMahon was put on trial by the federal government. If Austin hadn't come along, there probably wouldn't even be a WWE right now.

    When we start getting things like Man Mountain Rock, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese and Mantaur again, then we can talk about how low WWE is. Hell, go watch WrestleMania 9 or SummerSlam 1995 and tell me how low WWE is.

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  13. Razor, i would have responded earlier but I don't get online much. As for back when Austin came along I was watching, but I was also watching wcw. Your right Austin carried them back to glory. But there is only one rattlesnake! An dont forget austin was not the only one, dx had a lot to do with bringing the wwf back to the top also! Back then All most backrupt or not I still enjoyed it. I don't enjoy it now! It's boring!

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