Monday, August 16, 2010

Superstar Wars

In case you're not a glutton for punishment and haven't been reading the collective smark freak out over Team WWE winning at last night's SummerSlam, just be aware that the Chicken Littles are out in full force: "WWE'S SKY IS FALLING!" "CENA IS TEH SUX0RZ LIKE WHOA!" etc.

Smarks have this unique ability to hate things for all the wrong reasons, and last night's show was definitely worthy of some hate, but the whining from that section of the community distracts me from properly bashing WWE's one-match show. Of all things to complain about, the main event ranks pretty low on the list, especially considering how damn good it was. On the flipside, I've seen people jumping to the defense of Team WWE winning, saying it was undoubtedly the right call, and I don't fully agree with them either. Some folks have said that if Nexus won last night, there'd be nothing left for them to do, they already beat all of WWE's big names, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. But regardless of which side of the fence you're on, the ending was fine and the Nexus most likely isn't dead, and I'll tell you why:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... this is Chewbacca.

Since day one, people have been comparing The Nexus to the nWo, but the more I think about it, I think a more appropriate comparison would be Star Wars. If you hated last night's ending, if you thought Nexus was buried and the storyline has nowhere else to go, watch the Original Trilogy and think again.

A long time ago, in a WWE Universe far, far away...

It is a period of civil war. WWE Superstars, finally unified, have won their first victory against the evil Nexus. During the battle, WWE spies managed to steal secret plans to the Nexus' ultimate weapon, the American Dragon, a dude with enough power to kick your f'n head in. Pursued by the Nexus' sinister agents, Daniel Bryan races home aboard his starship, custodian of inside knowledge from Nexus that can save Team WWE and restore freedom to the Universe...

Let's take a side-by-side look at our heroes:

Luke Skywalker - John Cena
Obi-Wan Kenobi - Bret Hart
Han Solo - Chris Jericho
Chewbacca - Edge
C-3P0 - John Morrison
R2-D2 - R-Truth (R-Truth D-Truth)
Princess Leia - Daniel Bryan (work with me here)

Then you have the evil Empire. There's Darth Vader (Wade Barrett), his Storm Troopers (the rest of Nexus), and some shadowy figure controlling everything (the "bigger purpose").

In the beginning, the Empire killed Luke Skywalker's family and kidnapped the Princess. In WWE, Nexus attacked Cena's family, "The WWE Universe," by violating the WWE establishment and they kicked out Bryan, who was the darling of the group. A bunch of stuff happens in between, people shoot each other withe lasers, a bunch of random beat downs happen, Greedo gets killed, the Great Khali gets taken out, but in the end, the good guys rescue the Princess and destroy the Death Star. In WWE, the good guys rescued Daniel Bryan and defeated Nexus at SummerSlam.

Ah, but while John Cena gets a medal for his triumphant performance, Darth Vader's TIE Fighter is spinning through outer space and eventually recovered. The good guys may have won this battle, but the war was just beginning. We haven't even got to the part where the Emperor shows himself, we find out that Vader is Luke's father (spoiler alert!), and Chris Jericho hasn't even been frozen in carbonite yet. Part one had a happy ending, but we still have to get to the bummer that is The Empire Strikes Back.

Is that what's going to happen in WWE? Will Nexus rebound and cut off John Cena's hand? I don't know, but neither do you! Nexus could disband tomorrow, or we could just be wrapping up act one of a three act play. Considering all the unanswered questions about Nexus, like ya know, why the hell are they doing this, still linger, I can't see WWE just scrapping the angle after one match. Yeah, WWE destroyed the Death Star last night, but is a second one already being built? I know "wait and see" is such a cliché, but this angle has been written off as "dead" every other week since week two, yet it just headlined SummerSlam. Seven guys that have never even wrestled on PPV, seven guys that have wrestled maybe two singles matches since the end of NXT, seven guys you had never heard of this time last year, just headlined SummerSlam. If you can't let that sink in for 24 hours before shitting all over everything, then there's really never going to be any pleasing you when it comes to WWE.

Besides, think of how adorable Hornswoggle would be as an Ewok.


  1. Hmm... so the Battle of Hoth begins today maybe? Night at the Champions being the showdown at Bespin? Survivor Series is when they win the Battle of Endor?

  2. It's times like this when I am sad that I have NEVER watched any science fiction movie.

  3. And could the Miz end up being the Lando? haha

  4. I think The Miz is more of a Jabba The Hutt. Team WWE promised him something and didn't deliver, so for revenge he's going to make Daniel Bryan wear a gold bikini.

  5. This is by far the greatest thing i've read all day.

  6. Umm, one of the reasons they "booked" a happy ending in the first Star Wars was because they didn't know they'd be getting two more sequals.

  7. And WWE didn't know how Nexus would perform in a big match situation, so they played it safe last night. If they embarrassed themselves and stunk up the joint, they could cut bait quickly.

  8. Razor August 16, 2010 5:27 PM
    I think The Miz is more of a Jabba The Hutt. Team WWE promised him something and didn't deliver, so for revenge he's going to make Daniel Bryan wear a gold bikini.

    Gold Bikini... Gold.... United States Championship!!