Monday, April 12, 2010

Raw Thoughts - April 12, 2010

Raw is on tape delay since WWE is in London, England, but Kick-Out!! is live! Keep refreshing your page for ongoing coverage of tonight's show, hosted by David Hasselhoff! One thing's for sure about this show... Germans love David Hasselhoff!

And things start off with KNIGHT RIDER!?  The Hoff arrives in KITT and this is already the greatest Raw of all-time.  The Hoff is Hawffsome and totally has this crowd in the palm of his hand, and announces that neither Chris Jericho or Edge are the #1 contender for the World Title, and places Randy Orton in the main event of Extreme Rules!  What?!  He has a point, neither Jericho or Edge won on Friday and Orton has two wins over Swagger, but this has to turn into a Fatal Four Way, right?  Please?  Pretty please?

And Hoff wastes no time getting the in-ring action started, the Divas Title is on the line in our opening contest, Maryse vs. Eve.  I caught some flack on Twitter last week after saying this match could be "watchable," which is hardly a compliment, but apparently some people thought I was being too kind.  Pretty unfair if you ask me, Maryse is serviceable, as long as she's kept off guest commentary and Eve has steadily improved over the last few months.  And just as I finish typing that, Eve blocks Maryse's French Kiss DDT and becomes the new Divas Champion!  Pretty short match, but hardly the trainwreck that the Raw Divas division has been the last few months, and we've filled our quota of at least one title change every time WWE travels to England.

ShowMiz are out next and have an earth-shattering announcement: that they are the greatest tag team in WWE history!  The crowd disagrees, and so does Bret "The Hitman" Hart!  Bret's on Raw!  Bret can name a few teams that were better than ShowMiz, like the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs, but Miz isn't phased, and tells Bret that David Hasselhoff isn't the only delusional 90s icon in the building tonight.  Hilarious.  Cue The Hart Dynasty, who are obviously next in line for a shot at the Unified Tag Team Titles, and David Hart Smith lays out the challenge: Smith vs. Miz, and if Smith wins The Hart Dynasty gets the shot at Extreme Rules.  Big Show doesn't like the idea, but Miz has a fun little shtick going on lately of his mouth writing checks that his ass might not be able to cash and accepts, but if Miz wins, Bret Hart has to declare ShowMiz as the greatest tag team of all-time.  Ridiculous. Match is next!

David Hart Smith vs. The Miz is already underway and this one should be enjoyable, but I'd love to see Miz mix it up with Tyson Kidd in the future.  Decent enough match, got a bit hectic at the end, but due to some interference from Big Show, Miz wins!  Next week on Raw, Bret Hart must declare ShowMiz as the greatest tag team in WWE history.  I wouldn't get too worried though, judging by Bret Hart's recent actions, I'm sure this is all part of a very elaborate plan.

Big news just coming in from the LA Times, it looks like Friday Night Smackdown will be moving to SyFy this October.  I'll have more on the story as it develops, but with news like that, I thought you should know immediately.

Batista & David Otunga are backstage and The Animal tells The A-Lister to go get him a cup of coffee.  Ouch.  C'mon Batista, you're smarter than that, make him take your place in your match with Orton!  Ah, but apparently Otunga is there for another reason, The Hoff has put him in a match with John Cena!  And KITT thinks it'll only take the WWE Champion 22 seconds to win this one.  Yeah, this is the best Raw ever.

And Evan Bourne gets to wrestle?!  And he's against Carlito, which means he might actually win!?  This show just keeps getting better and better!  Fantastic TV match, with Carlito reminding us that he can wrestle and Evan Bourne reminding us that he's freaking awesome!  A beautiful Shooting Star Press later and Evan Bourne wins a match! On Monday Night Raw! I can't believe it either!  Get this man some gold already!

John Cena vs. David Otunga is next, but Otunga isn't alone, Davetista is here and is wearing a sweater vest with a dress shirt and shiny dress pants... I couldn't make that up if I tried.  Speaking of fashion, I need to get some of those jeans that David Otunga wears, I'm tired of dealing with zippers, I'm just going to tear my pants off from now on.  You're welcome for that visual.

Oh yeah, there's a wrestling match!  Cena's starting out with mat-based wrestling, which in terms of story is to insult David Otunga, but I like to think he's wrestling this match like Otunga is every smark that's ever worn one of those stupid "WE HATE CENA" shirts.  Cena makes easy work of Otunga, forcing him to tap out to the STF and invites Batista to the ring.  Batista gets fired up and rips off the sweater vest, but decides against accepting Cena's invitation.  Well, he does have a match with Orton later tonight, and he definitely doesn't want to mess up those shiny pants, but if he had on the leather vest, it would've been ON!

Okay, whoever's responsible for the creation of the KFC Double Down should be arrested for possession of weapons of mass destruction.  My arteries clog just looking at that thing, but it's still not as sad as the Famous Bowl.

Sheamus is here and lets us know that at Extreme Rules, he's got Triple H in a street fight.  And that's really about all he has to say, but Kofi Kingston has a few things on his mind!  Kofi is not happy after being mugged by Sheamus and his lead pipe last week and they're going to have a rematch right now!  Kofi already looks better than he did last week, but Sheamus has turned the tide rather quickly.  Kofi gets his momentum back and nails Trouble in Paradise, but Sheamus is too close to the ropes.  Sheamus rolls outside the ring and blasts Kofi with a monitor to cause the disqualification.  Hey, at this point, a win's a win for Kofi.  The Celtic Warrior demolishes Kofi after the match, and once again, Triple H does not make the save.  Jerk!

Two weeks away from the WWE Draft, but still no guest host announced for that show.  Hmm...

Carlito is backstage looking for The Hoff, but instead gets Vladimir  Kozlov.  Carlito wants to get drafted to Smackdown to get away from the guest hosts that don't know who the hell he is.  Our guest hosts for next week are the cast of the upcoming SNL movie MacGruber!  Kristen Wiig & Will Forte on Raw?  I'm so there.  Hey, if we're working with SNL cast members, how about getting Amy Poehler and the cast of Parks & Recreation?

A Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match is up next, and I think the only thing WWE cares about when it comes to the Raw Divas is creating really long names for gimmick matches related to the guest hosts.  Okay, as absurd as this is, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim running to the ring in slow-mo with the Baywatch theme playing is hysterical.  The other teams in this match are The Bella Twins and Jillian & Rosa Mendes with our special guest referee, Santino Marella!  Yes, it's an excuse to get the Divas in red swimsuits, but they're actually wearing more clothes than usual, it's almost like watching women's wrestling in the 80s.  I honestly have no idea who won this match, but Santino wound up choking on his whistle and lifeguard Hornswoggle ran to the ring and Tadpole Splashed it out of his windpipe.  This may be WWE's greatest comedy sketch in years, and as insulting as the Divas division is, this was hilarious and I literally laughed out loud.

Main Event time already?!  It's not even 10:50 yet.  Perhaps with the tape delay, they'll end at exactly 11:05 tonight?  Anyway, your main event is Randy Orton vs. Batista, and with Extreme Rules on the horizon, I'm having flashbacks of last year's PPV where Batista destroyed Orton inside a steel cage and then vacated the title the next night due to injury.  That was lame, but hopefully with their roles reversed, Orton and Batista can give us a fresh match-up here tonight.  They're not incapable of good matches, they had a really fun match against each other at Armageddon 2008, so hopefully they can recapture that vibe here tonight.

Decent enough match, Orton's still adjusting to the role of the anti-hero, but the crowd loves him across the pond just as much as they love him over here.  Solid back and forth action with Orton hitting Batista with the RKO, but before he can make the cover, Jack Swagger nails him with the Gutwrench Powerbomb!  Match is over, but John Cena attacks the World Heavyweight Champion from behind and slides into the ring to lock Batista in the STF.  That's a bit of a dick move, isn't it?  Sure, Batista attacked Cena at the end of the show last week, but Batista was totally helpless here and Cena's supposed to be the good guy!  You heard it here first, Cena heel turn on the way!  (It's not)

Awesome, awesome, awesome Raw.  I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this show and the only match that didn't really have much of a point was Carlito vs. Evan Bourne, but since we got to see Bourne actually win a match, who cares if it didn't have a point?!  Hasselhoff did a great job, the wrestling was great, and the build for Extreme Rules was rock solid.  Hell, even the comedy was funny!  I loved this show, now here's hoping that momentum carries over when they return to the United States.


  1. the hornswaggle bit was hilarious. Got me thinking about the parallels between raw and TNA. Hornswaggle and Santino are presented as silly lighthearted comedy segments, whereas, the equivalent in tna is now Hulk and Flair and Abyss ... yet that's presented as a serious feudy kinda thing.

    Ok, so we - in the UK - get raw at the same time as it goes out in USA, so we need to stay up until 4am? that's just wrong!

    Oh and ... what i came here to say was ...

    GAIL KIM is officially hot! She's amezzin!

  2. Raw always seems to have more wrestling when it's over here in the UK and last night was no exception. The hour long match between Shawn Michaels & John Cena a few years back took place in London.

    Also glad there was only one impersonation of the British accent on this show, only The Miz did so, always makes me cringe when i hear bad attempts at the British accent and the WWE do loads every time the come over here.