Monday, December 21, 2009

Raw Thoughts - December 21, 2009

Can't be any worse than last week, right?

And there I go, letting my mouth get me in trouble again. "Oh you thought last week sucked?" How about a visibly nervous Johnny Damon and a blonde woman with a golf club chasing a man in a tiger suit. Why? No reason, just WWE trying to be "topical" again, but usually these segments have some kind of a point. Ugh.

Divas up first with Melina, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Maryse, Alicia Fox & Jillian in the infamous "Santa's Little Helper" tag match. Basically an excuse to get the Divas in whatever Frederick's of Hollywood has in their storefronts during December. Typical Diva nonsense and your typical three-minute Raw match.

After weeks of teasing, we finally get Little People's Court... although the way I phrased that, it makes it sound like it's something we might actually want to see, it's not. What seems like two hours later, the segment mercifully ends for now, but more to come later. Great.

And things just go from bad to worse, Legacy is out next and all three of them are in action. Thankfully, we get a decent opposing team, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne & Mark Henry, but why is Mark Henry on this team? Bourne being on the team makes sense, so why not give Primo the third spot since they've been teaming together lately? If they wanted Kofi to team with Mark Henry, why not put MVP on the team? Maybe there are actual plans for MVP tonight? Heh, I'll believe it when I see it. Anyway, despite my gripes about the teams, the match is actually pretty enjoyable, mainly thanks to Evan Bourne, who may be the most underrated performer in the business today. Not only is Bourne showing off that unique offense, he's also being bounced around like a pinball, making Legacy look like legit badasses in the process. Seriously, why isn't this guy feuding with The Miz right now? Bourne gets the hot tag to Kofi, who nails Ted DiBiase with Trouble in Paradise for the win! Big win for Kofi after a rough week and our first enjoyable segment of the night.

Oh great, Little People's Court is back. Hear that? That's the sound of remotes all across the country turning on Monday Night Football.
In case you ever doubted that Smackdown is the A-Show in WWE, DX vs. The Harts will be a major match this Friday while DX vs. Dignity is a major segment on Raw.

John Cena vs. Jack Swagger up next, and this could be a turning point for the show if they give this one enough time. These two tore the house down on the Draft show back in April, now obviously Swagger's stock has dropped quite a bit since then, but I don't think he's lost any of his ability. Not as good as their match eight months ago, but a solid contest and Swagger hasn't looked this good since, well, the last time he wrestled John Cena. He stumbled quite a bit in the later half of 2009, but 2010 could be Swagger's year if he gets more opportunities like this one.

Dusty Claus is backstage with Johnny Damon & MVP, looks like we're getting Sheamus vs. MVP in a non-title match tonight. I'm all for that. After this announcement and a solid Cena/Swagger match, I'm hopeful for Hour 2.

Chris Masters vs. Carlito, it's like time-traveling back to three years ago! Not much to this one, criminally short (no surprise there), but a decent showing for both men considering the time allotted. Seriously though, I still can't get over the fact that Chris Masters is a face because of his musical mammaries.

Oh look, it's a man in a Tiger Suit again. Just so we're clear if you're not watching, this isn't a man dressed as Tiger Woods, it's a man dressed as the animal. Seriously. Why? I have no friggin idea. And Mae Young just threw herself (literally) onto Johnny Damon, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?

Sheamus vs. MVP, which I'm very excited about, but in a really odd spot on the show. Of course, the dreaded 10:30 slot strikes and we get another absurdly short match that could've easily been the Hour 1 main event. Not to take away from Cena/Swagger or anything, but come on, this is the WWE Champion in action and you give him a glorified jobber squash? This does very little for Sheamus and certainly nothing for MVP, who definitely doesn't look like World Champion material. John Cena's out after the match, but doesn't seem to understand that rematch clauses aren't Money in the Bank, you can't just cash them in whenever you want.

Vince McMahon is backstage with Johnny Damon, maybe Vinny Mac is what Raw needs to not suck as much. Looks like Sheamus vs. Cena next week with the WWE Title on the line (lots of free TV World Title matches around the holidays?), and the subject of Bret Hart is raised. Hmmm again...

Finally, something awesome for this show, The Miz! But unfortunately, his opponent is Santino Claus; nothing against Santino or anything, but this match isn't anything new and Santino wrestling isn't nearly as appealing as Santino just talking. Santino gets in his splits spot, but this one's all Miz and the Skullcrushing Finale confirms it. Merry ChristMiz!

Hey, what's worse that Little People's Court? A REPLAY OF LITTLE PEOPLE'S COURT! You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. Every match besides Cena vs. Swagger has been unforgivably short, but we have time to re-air this segment that wasn't good to begin with? Seriously, I love Triple H and I love HBK, but this is just another example of why people are ashamed to be wrestling fans.

Big Show is in the ring, demanding that Santa Claus grant him his wish. I don't have the heart to tell the big guy... do you? Santa Claus makes his way down to ringside, hmmm, CHRIS Kringle's voice sounds oddly familiar. But somehow, even Chris Jericho's "return" can be ruined by the awfulness that is Monday Night Raw, "thanks" to Hornswoggle & The Mini DX Army. Your main event, folks. JeriShow beats up the little people, DX makes the save and Hornswoggle becomes the official DX mascot. At least the crowd seems into it...

Well, this show was better than last week, but that's not saying much because this week sucked too. The six-man tag and Cena/Swagger were good matches, which is about all I've got for this show on the positive side.

I hope it's just a holiday slump and WWE turns it around on January 4th... not because of TNA (keep dreaming, kiddos), but because I don't know how much more of this I can take. Three of the last four weeks, I've considering turning off the television, which never happens with me. Raw has all the tools to be better than this, I hope WWE realizes that in 2010; and yes I'm aware there's one more show in 2009, but I'm not going to hold my breath for that one, even though Timbaland could be a great guest host.
I wore myself out last week tearing that show down and was definitely too smarky for my own good, so I'm just going to leave it at this: another week where two hours of my life were lost, but it could've been worse.


  1. It honestly took me a couple minutes to 'get' that that opening segment was about Tiger Woods. I was scratching my head, going "Huh? What's this.. ugh." And it wasn't until I read the RAW thread on EWB that it clicked.

    I like to think it's because it was a fucking dreadful segment.

  2. Oh, it was Tiger Woods? wait, whats the other word? Oh yeah, monotonous

  3. Let's be fair, do you REALLY need a Carlito/Chris Masters match to last a decent bit? I don't.

  4. No, it wasn't Tiger Woods... it was a man dressed as the animal. Which made the segment all the more stupid.