Monday, December 14, 2009

Raw Thoughts - December 14, 2009

Kicking things off with our guest host, Sean Hannity! Oh I'm sorry, that's Dennis Miller, who's apparently been in character ever since he left SNL. Whenever I see Dennis Miller, I'm reminded of a George Carlin joke about how Joan Rivers became the kind of person she used to make fun of... Dennis Miller is in the same boat. Unsurprisingly, Miller dives into his right-wing nutjob material, and even stealing some of mine by talking about how wrestling and politics really aren't that different from each other. Remember when Fox News tried to create their own version of The Daily Show called The Half Hour News Hour? Yeah, I don't either... and Miller's "comedy" was about as memorable. Leave the comedy to the liberal hippies, please.

Our first Slammy of the night goes to the Tag Team of the Year, JeriShow! Certainly not a shocker there, it's not even really a contest when you consider how they saved the Tag Team Titles from becoming completely irrelevant. Without JeriShow, no one would even care about this award, and they certainly deserve their rematch.

Our first match of the night, William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov & Ezekiel Jackson vs. Christian, Kane & the returning Great Khali?! I guess we're supposed to forget that Khali's been gone for months because of Kane dropping a set of steel stairs on his knee? Relax, it's just wrestling! Decent match, but incredibly short and seemed to serve no purpose besides continuing the dissension among the Ruthless Roundtable with their loss.

Dennis Miller's back with another "joke," but I honestly don't even remember what it was. The pioneers of the New Superstar Initiative, Teddy Long & Tiffany, are out to present the Slammy for Breakthrough Star of the Year, and it's no surprise that the award goes to our new WWE Champion, SHEAMUS! Much like JeriShow winning Tag Team of the Year, there's no debate in this one, no matter how good Drew McIntyre and Yoshi Tatsu were this year, they didn't become WWE Champion within 166 days of their debuts. And what a sight to see the WWE Championship around the waist of the Celtic Warrior.

Kofi Kingston vs. Cody Rhodes up next, which of course quickly ends in a DQ due to interference from Ted DiBiase. Ugh... but hey, Evan Bourne's here to make the save and Dennis Miller finally does something useful and turns this into a tag match! And of course, that doesn't last long either, c'mon WWE, it's a three-hour show, a match like this can go a little longer than five minutes! Nice to see Bourne get in some of that awesome offense, but him getting hit with Cross Rhodes might be the sickest thing I've ever seen, besides Legacy winning a match.

Two years in a row, CM Punk picks up the Shocker of the Year Slammy, this time for retiring Jeff Hardy. Last year he won it by cashing in MITB against Edge, he won MITB again this year, won the World Heavyweight Title twice this year, with all that in mind, how can this man not be Superstar of the Year?

With that in mind, cue John Cena! John Cena vs. CM Punk in a Superstar of the Year Tournament Semifinal Match, and I think I just answered my own question. As I was writing about CM Punk, John Cena made him tap out to the STF in a "blink-and-you-miss-it" match. Look, I don't have a problem with John Cena beating CM Punk, I don't have a problem with Cena beating Punk twice, but FFS, these short matches have to stop. Cena vs. Punk was great a few weeks back, why not explore that a little further, especially when you have three hours to work with? Completely pointless. And I swear, if tonight ends with Randy Orton vs. John Cena, I'm going to lose my damn mind.

After the match, John Cena vows to not lose until he regains the WWE Championship, somehow I think his promise will carry a little more weight than Jack Swagger's.

Triple H out next to present the Match of the Year Slammy... gee I wonder? Once again, this isn't even up for debate, especially when Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho from The Bash wasn't nominated. Still, even if it was on the ballot, we know it wouldn't stand a chance against The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. This wasn't just Match of the Year, it very well could be Match of the Decade... or perhaps even the greatest match of all-time. Yeah, I said it. HBK accepts the honor, and proceeds to challenge The Undertaker once again for WrestleMania 26?! Well, that's certainly an interesting development.

Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker in our next Superstar of the Year Semifinal Match; please don't let Randy Orton be Superstar of the Year, and please don't make us sit through another Cena/Orton match. I'm actually pretty excited about this match because Taker always brings out the best in Orton, but of course it's another absurdly short match and Orton wins by count-out, making this whole night completely lame. Seriously, there's no excuse for this, especially when just two months ago, we got the "FINAL MATCH EVER" between Orton & Cena, and yet here we are.

Another no-contest Slammy, Guest Host of the Year goes to the one and only Bob Barker, who presided over one of the most fun Raws I've ever witnessed. Shaq & Seth Green did great too, especially Green, who accomplished my goal of punching Cody Rhodes in the face, but let's just say it: Bob Barker is God. After Barker's acceptance speech (via satellite), Dennis Miller asks Vince McMahon if Bret "The Hitman" Hart could ever host Monday Night Raw. Hmm...

D-Generation X vs. JeriShow up next, and sure, why not have another match that ends before it even begins? DX gets themselves disqualified, Chris Jericho's gone from Raw and is escorted out of the arena by... non-Raw wrestlers. Seriously, I know it's the Holidays and all, but you probably shouldn't let the entire creative team take a vacation at once. Honestly though, this is a good break for Jericho, he was bound to get injured after carrying Raw on his back for six months.

Extreme Moment of the Year goes to Jeff Hardy for his psychotic dive off the ladder at SummerSlam. A bit surprising, I figured they'd give it to Kofi for the MSG Boom Drop, though I would've picked Big Show tossing Cena through the searchlight at Backlash. Matt Hardy accepts the award, some shenanigans with Carlito & Chris Masters ensue, and yeah... that's about it.

The Miz, Drew McIntyre & Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry, John Morrison & Yoshi Tatsu had potential, but once again, another obscenely short match with no one really getting a chance to do anything. Nice to see Yoshi pick up a win on Monday Night Raw, but these completely forgettable matches are doing nothing for anyone.

The Divas up next in another throwaway match, but for whatever reason, they're wrestling in high heels and evening gowns, which provided a completely awkward moment with Layla not being able to get in the ring or stand up. After the match, Maria was awarded the Diva of the Year Award... despite not being on WWE TV for the majority of 2009. Batista plays Kanye West to Maria's Taylor Swift, but no one in the audience gives the slightest of damns. After this trainwreck, can you blame them?

Abraham Washington, Tony Atlas & Big Dick Johnson present Michael Cole with the "OH MY!" Slammy for puking on Chris Jericho's shoes. Seriously, this is really what's happening on Monday Night Raw right now.

The DX WWEShop.com shill was pretty amusing. If only I had kids, they would totally be getting that Money in the Bank playset for Christmas this year... and I would be the one playing with it.

Main Event Time! John Cena vs. Randy Orton and the winner will be the 2009 Superstar of the Year. The one match I didn't want to see as the finals for this tournament, but after this abysmal show, this is probably going to be the only decent thing we get to see, it's been the only match to go an acceptable length so far, that's for sure. At least Cena won, which is fine, and certainly better than the alternative, but I have a hard time caring after the last three hours, which felt like three days.

Awful Raw. Awful, awful, awful Raw. Two weeks ago, I said that Raw was one of the worst I ever witnessed and the first time since 2002 that I actually considered turning off the television. I feel like WWE read that review and said "oh, you thought that sucked? Well suck on this, buddy!" and offered up these embarrassing three hours of absolute garbage. Virtually no wrestling to be found outside of the main event; the Slammy Awards lacked any sort of feeling of importance, which is a shame since they were such a huge hit last year; and Vince McMahon himself had the audacity to blast the audience for being dead. Of course they're dead, did you watch this show?!

I hate the negativity of the Internet Wrestling Community and it's the main reason why I started this site, but I didn't start Kick-Out!! Wrestling to be a WWE cheerleader. I started this site for a fair assessment of what goes on in the world of wrestling and that means praising the good and criticizing the bad, and tonight was definitely bad. I realize it's the holidays and ratings will be down regardless, but that's not an excuse to completely check out and put on an inexcusably terrible show. All that does is make the people who care enough to watch right now rush for their remote and turn on Monday Night Football.

I am a WWE fan, always have been and (hopefully) always will be, but much like when a sports fan watches their beloved team crumble, I can't handle watching shows this bad. Shows like this are why people are ashamed to tell others that they're wrestling fans and the reason why people in the mainstream view wrestling as a complete joke. The December 14 episode of Monday Night Raw was a joke; a cruel prank played on wrestling fans by the only wrestling company in the country that actually matters. The kind of show that's so bad, you want to call the USA Network and demand they pay a portion of your cable bill. The kind of show that's so bad that you think of all the things you could've accomplished in those three hours like knitting a pair of gloves or eating a plate of cheese, tasks that certainly would've been more emotionally rewarding that watching this excuse of a sports entertainment/wrestling show. Basically what I'm saying here, in case you haven't got the gist of it yet, this show sucked.

12 comments:

  1. Is Bret seriously a candidate to host 1/4 Raw? The time has come for him to take the 2nd to last step toward his return to WWE. Come host Raw. Last step would be him returning to do a story line....but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

    Doesn't Bret have an animosity towards Hogan still? What better way to screw him over.

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  2. Clearly you missed the wonder of Carlito making A TWILIGHT JOKE. He made a joke about SOMETHING FROM THIS YEAR. The writing team is funny like that sometimes.

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  3. At this point I have to ask if the RAW writing team is punishing us fans for something, but they WON'T TELL US WHAT. :(

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  4. I'll believe Bret Hart when I see it.

    Sad reality that freaking CARLITO had one of the most entertaining parts of the show.

    And I think WWE is just punishing us for the sake of punishing us. One of those things to keep us in line, ya know? Seriously though, I have no idea who greenlit this garbage, but I just can't understand how WWE can go from so good to so bad on an almost weekly basis.

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  5. Michelle McCool picking up Layla like a sack of potatoes and literally throwing her into the ring in that dress was one of (the?) highlights of the night for me.

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  6. Most entertaining thing McCool's ever done.

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  7. They are punishing the people who demand a wider veriety of a main event scene and then when Sheamus wins the title they turn into hypocrites and say they'd rather have Cena still be champion even though just a few weeks before last night they all said please anybody but Cena. Well people you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sheamus is the WWE Champion and from the research I've done on him he deserves to be where he's at. Look up some FCW matches on youtube he's a natural, he's a beast a freak of human nature. He's the Celtic Warrior and your WWE Champion so cry me a river build a bridge and get the F over it. Now Sheamus needs to destroy that lame a$$ spinner title and bring RAW a title they can be proud of!!

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  8. I like that this Raw was so dreadful in parts that I started reminiscing about RAWS FROM THIS YEAR, namely the Raw where Orton kicked Vince, the MSG Raw, the Bob Barker Raw, etc. I also like that the dreadful parts were SO SO BAD, namely Johnson's return, that it created a Stockholm Syndrome effect to me. I laughed at Masters' pecs because it was funny at some point. I laughed at DX because it was funny at some point. I laughed at CARLITO. That's especially a case of Stockholm Syndrome. What a television show that honestly is pretty bad when I think honestly about it.

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  9. Although, Batista in a pink polo is jokes. Jokes!

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  10. My gift to the IWC, both Sheamus fans and Sheamus haters http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y14/kenny_spazz_7/SHEAMUSWALLPAPER1.jpg

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  11. I thought it was an enjoyable awards show that had one very solid match to finish it off. Mileage may vary.

    Also as much as I appreciate that you can still have a markish sheen to your recaps, your snarky "Randy Orton isn't interesting to me" asides have lost their luster.

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  12. Well when Randy Orton starts being interesting, I'll stop with the snarky asides.

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