Monday, November 30, 2009

Raw Thoughts - November 30, 2009

Raw's just minutes away with guest host Verne Troyer and Little People's Court featuring Hornswoggle and DX. Oh boy... keep refreshing the page for live blog updates!

WWE's hyping Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton tonight, there's no way that match is happening as advertised.

Okay, no matter how bad the little people business gets tonight, WWE knows how to start a show off right, here comes JeriShow! Supposedly Big Show's already undergone the knee surgery he needed and is already in condition to work? Seriously, freak of nature. Anyway, great promo from these two, even if it is just a recap of their many, many, MANY accomplishments. Apparently mentioning the fact that DX has never won the tag titles hits a sore spot, because here come Triple H & Shawn Michaels! Standard stuff here, but definitely getting me psyched for the match at TLC, which HAS to be the main event. Of course, we have to go and ruin it by bringing handicap matches into the mix: Jericho vs. Triple H tonight, if Jericho wins, it's HHH vs. JeriShow next week, but if HHH wins it's Jericho vs. DX next week. Thumbs down to that, but at least we get HHH vs. Jericho, which I believe is the first time they've met one-on-one since Jericho returned to WWE, correct?

Melina & Gail Kim vs. Maryse & Jillian kicking off the in-ring action this evening. Maryse's return is supposed to be a big deal, but with Raw's pitiful women's division, I just can't bring myself to care. Maryse is serviceable in the ring with a capable opponent, but look at what she has to work with on Raw. That trade pillaged the talented wrestlers from Raw and left us with nothing but Divas. This match proves my point, it's just painful to watch, Maryse picks up the win by pinning Melina, but if this is a sign of things to come, I don't want to see the one-on-one encounter.

Sheamus is letting us know that he is ready to be "dobel-yeh dobel-yeh eee champion," and has already proven that he can do it since he put Cena through a table last week. Santino Marella unwisely interrupts and mocks the Celtic Warrior for only worrying about John "Chena" and "his lucky charms." I'm pretty sure he also calls him "Lame-us" before getting clocked in the face, kicked in the head, Irish Edged, and put through a table. Good stuff, but we already know Sheamus is a badass, why not give him someone that didn't just job to The Miz in a throwaway Superstars match? He needs at least one major win (maybe someone like Mark Henry?) before wrestling Cena at TLC.

Wow, I knew Verne Troyer was tiny, but he doesn't even come up to Big Show's knee.

Out on the ramp, Verne Troyer & The Miz are having a war of words, with Mark Henry coming to our host's defense. Miz has Austin Powers jokes... really WWE? Let's just put this in perspective, when the first Austin Powers movie came out, Mark Henry was in the Nation of Domination and The Miz was in high school. These two square off later tonight.

What was that I said an hour ago? "
WWE's hyping Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton tonight, there's no way that match is happening as advertised." Yep... Kofi Kingston on his way to the ring, and of course, Cody Rhodes attacks from behind. Shocking. Isn't it funny how pre-match attacks are ten times more devastating than attacks during the match? Maybe everyone's got a little bit of that Festus illness. [/smarkjoke] But it looks like this match is going to happen, Orton's music is playing, but Ted DiBiase comes through the crowd and attacks Kofi from behind. Ugh. There's Randy Orton (double ugh) and this "match" is underway. I bet you know how this one goes: Orton takes advantage, Kofi gets a couple good licks in, RKO, pin, that'll do it. Normally I'd be pissed at this kind of bait and switch, but it was so blatantly obvious that shenanigans were in order, I have to admit that this whole bit worked. Sure, it's Orton being infuriating, but for once it's for all the right reasons and this is a great way to advance the feud. And OH. MY. GOD. That DDT off the top rope was the definition of NASTY! Seriously, will someone get in there and make sure Kofi can move his fingers and toes, because he landed right on his freaking head. Excuse me, I have to go vomit a little.

John Cena's in the ring and he is FIRED UP and he wants Sheamus with the title on the line TONIGHT! Which is the cue for... CARLITO?! You might be asking yourself, "who?" You remember that guy who teamed up with Primo a couple months back? No? The dude that spits apples? Goofy hair? Disappears every six months? Yeah, that guy! In Carlito's defense, this is probably the most interesting he's ever been, but I also feel like this is probably the last time we're going to be seeing him on WWE television. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment and throws Carlito out of the ring, which seems pretty symbolic to me.

97 minutes into this show and we've gotten one actual match, which was the awful Divas bout at the start of the show. Now we're being "treated" to Mark Henry rapping with MVP & Verne Troyer. What the hell am I watching?

100 minutes in and we get our second proper match of the evening, Mark Henry vs. The Miz, and before I can even form an opinion of what's going on, the match is over. Mark Henry hits the World's Strongest Slam for the win, and celebrates with Verne Troyer & some Divas. Seriously, words escape me at this point... and it's difficult to type with my face buried in my hands.

Hornswoggle looks like a normal size person next to Verne Troyer. I'm not being sarcastic or funny when I say this, that just makes me sad.

Alright, the only thing left that could possibly save this show is our main event, Chris Jericho vs. Triple H. If there's one thing Raw needs tonight, it's a strong closing with two of the best performers in the business today. It's not the first time these two have squared off since Jericho's return (my "HUGE MISTAKE") was corrected earlier this evening, but it's still a pretty rare treat these days. Big Show & Shawn Michaels are on commentary, but of course, they're both getting involved. Big Show pie-faces the hell out of HBK, who hits his head on the ring apron as he drops (not the night for head injuries), then he hits HHH with that malignant fist. Ref ejects Big Show, and while's he's distracted, Jericho eats Sweet Chin Music, but the ref sees that and ejects HBK! Nice little exchange between HHH and Jericho at the end, but a school boy roll-up gives HHH the win and Jericho's got DX in a handicap match next week. Just what Raw needs, more handicap matches.

As we enter December 2009, I was planning on doing a month-long feature about the best wrestling of the decade. If I were doing a worst of the decade list, this show would be on the ballot for worst Raw of the last ten years. I'm not sure if it's the absolute worst, but as someone who's missed less than five Raws since 1993, this was the first time since the Katie Vick debacle that I actually considered turning off the television. Absolutely terrible show, with the only redeeming parts being the Kofi/Orton feud continuing to heat up and a decent main event. Other than that, this show looks like something that was literally thrown together as it was going on the air. "Let's have Mark Henry dance! Let's have Mark Henry rap! Let's throw Carlito out there for the first time in months! Let's go almost two hours before we put on a match that's actually worth watching!" Seriously, I know I'm ranting like a smark here, but I don't care how you define yourself as a wrestling fan, I think we can all agree that this show sucked.

5 comments:

  1. wow huge mistake there razor, jerico and trips had a breif battle just when jerico turned heel agasint shawn, falir came out and wanted jerico in a street fight, but then tripss came and took on jerico

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  2. Yeah, huge mistake, he forgot a free TV match from last year! I'm sure it'll keep him up for many nights to come. >_>

    RAW has too many ad breaks, I swear almost an entire hour of the show is just the adverts.

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  3. I remember the Jericho/Flair/Triple H bit, but I don't remember them having an actual match. But yeah... "huge" mistake, when I wasn't even sure if I was right in the first place.

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  4. I wonder if Verne Troyer was pitched the "Little People's Court" idea and just flat-out refused on the grounds that he has some dignity. Maybe that's why the Mark Henry dancing and rapping bit looked so thrown together and lasted so long.

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  5. AMen: You realize we are talking about someone who as part of a reality show, got drunk, dropped trou and then urinated on a wall while sitting on a scooter. I think pride went out the window a long time ago. (I think Chyna was in the general vicinity at the time if I am not mistaken).

    How bad was Raw... I ended up watching the end of New England/New Orleans on MNF... and that was a much better night of television for me :)

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