Monday, November 2, 2009

Raw Thoughts - November 2, 2009

How long until the first "SHAARROON!!" joke?

Thankfully, we're spared from the rumored new Nickelback intro and go straight to our guest hosts, Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne! Speaking of which, why not just use an Ozzy song for the Raw theme? Anyway, I liked the Ozzy/WWE montage, even if he's only had a couple appearances in the past, it's nice to see classic stuff like that. The Miz, however, is not amused and he wants his loss to Evan Bourne last week stricken from the record. Miz and Sharon have a fun war of words to see who the most annoying person in the ring is, but then Legacy come out and automatically win. They're upset with Kofi Kingston vandalizing Orton's car last week and want him in a handicap match, which brings out Big Show, who's upset about being in what was essentially a 20-on-1 handicap match last week. Just when you thought this segment couldn't have been anymore like a late 90s, twenty minute opening segment with half the roster coming out, D-Generation X hits the ring to shill both their new book and Ozzy's new book, which will be available in fine bookstores everywhere this January! DX gets in Ozzy's ear to set up matches for tonight: Evan Bourne vs. The Miz for the US Title, Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton and Big Show vs. John Cena vs. Chris Jericho! Oh and I'm sure some people will complain about Ozzy flubbing Evan Bourne's name, but I'm sure Ozzy has trouble saying his own name sometimes, so in his case, maybe we can let this one slide?

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz is our first match, and Evan is FINALLY getting his United States Title shot after beating TWO reigning US Champions. Good match here, Evan blows my mind every time he's in the ring, always coming up with something new that defies the laws of physics. I certainly don't want The Miz to lose the US Title so soon, but I have to admit, I was hoping Bourne would pull this one out for the sheer shock factor. Sadly (but fortunately), Bourne missed the Shooting Star Press and was caught with the Skullcrushing Finale, Miz retains and remains AWESOME! Hopefully this isn't the end of Evan Bourne's title hopes though.

Hopefully, Evan Bourne never finds himself in the ring with Sheamus, who pretty much murdered Jamie Noble tonight. Wow. You know, I wasn't sold on this whole Sheamus on Raw thing, but after something like that, the guy can pretty much go anywhere on the Red Brand. When you can get major heat like that for beating up a guy that hasn't been on television in months, you've definitely struck a nerve. The powerbomb on the floor may have actually been a bit too much, I cringed every time they replayed it, and Jamie Noble deserves a raise for having the guts to take it. It wasn't even like Sheamus picked him up and dropped him on the floor, he THREW him on the floor. Nasty.

Did Michael Cole just pronounce the word "buffet" (as in "dinner buffet") like "Jimmy Buffet"? OH MY!! One too many trips to Margaritaville, I suppose.

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton is your Hour 1 main event, and I'm wondering why they're giving away this match already. I'm expecting Legacy shenanigans. Sure enough, the cabana boys hit the ring, and while I was expecting a lame DQ finish, Ozzy & Sharon appear on the TitanTron and make it a six-man tag! Who are Kofi's partners...

Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry & MVP vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase was a lot of fun thanks to a red hot crowd (who REALLY liked Mark Henry) and Kofi Kingston being the hottest new thing in WWE today. While I think Miz is a shoe-in for Breakout Superstar of the Year, 2010 will be the year of Kofi Kingston. Good stuff here and ends with the best possible outcome, Cody Rhodes being flattened with The World's Strongest Slam! That's what you get when you're 175 lbs. soaking wet with a brick in your pocket and you try to hit Mark Henry with a crossbody! Also, with these six guys, I'm sensing a Survivor Series match in the works. I'm not sure if they're going to do interbrand matches this year, but if they do, I could definitely see something like Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, Matt Hardy & R-Truth vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Eric Escobar & Drew McIntyre.

Raw's Got Talent hosted by Jerry Lawler with judges Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne & The Great Khali had potential to be awesomely bad and it certainly lived up to it. Yes, it was ridiculous and stupid, but it was a lot of fun too. I'm sure we all expected Santino to be a dork and Jillian to sing terribly, but who expected Chris Masters bouncing his pecs to the tune of "Crazy Train"?! If you didn't laugh at that, you have no soul. And then Chavo & Jillian getting beat up by Khali & Sharon, followed by Hornswoggle running to the ring dressed as Jack Osbourne and hit Chavo with the Tadpole Splash? Comedy gold.

Diva Battle Royal to determine the new #1 contender up next and what a complete mess. This is Raw's Women's Division: Eve, Kelly Kelly, The Bella Twins, Gail Kim & Alicia Fox, with Melina as reigning Diva's Champion. What a difference a trade makes. I knew things were bad when Gail Kim was eliminated first, despite being the only one in this match who could have a great match with Melina, but I was not expecting the horror of Alicia Fox winning! Really WWE? I know you're light on heel Divas with Maryse being injured, but after the last time Alicia Fox wrestled and almost broke her neck, you're going to put her back in a major title match just a few weeks later? I like Melina and all, but she's no Mickie James in the ring, so I can only fear what kind of match she's going to produce with Alicia Fox. Scary stuff.

Ricky Hatton is guest host next week when Raw heads across the pond. Makes sense.

DX hooking Hornswoggle on the wall and lecturing him about gimmick infringement was almost as funny as Chris Masters' performance art. John Cena saves the little guy and reminds DX that it's bad luck to hang a leprechaun on a wall. Funny banter back and forth with Shawn bringing up his "physics degree" to explain how the odds aren't in Cena's favor at Survivor Series. Yep, you read that right.

Main Event Time! Chris Jericho vs. Big Show vs. John Cena in a non-title Triple Threat match with DX at ringside providing hilarious guest commentary. I love how Shawn Michaels was once the coolest, most cutting-edge Superstar in wrestling and has since become an unapologetic dork every time him and Triple H team up. He plays the role so well and it's refreshing to see someone who once had a "rockstar persona" not try to hang onto it when he's well into his 40s. Bret Michaels, take notes. As for the match, pretty enjoyable and did its job of hyping both Survivor Series main events. Shockingly, Chris Jericho picked up the win after Cena got hit with the JeriShow finisher (Big Show punches you on the apron then Jericho goes for the pin), and I think this may be the first time Jericho's ever pinned Cena. Show's upset with Jericho stealing the win at first, but cooler heads prevail and they focus their anger on Cena, applying a Walls of Jericho/Colossal Clutch combo (hey an actual finisher!). DX tries to make the save, but Shawn Michaels is knocked out cold from Big Show's carcinogenic fist (miss ya, JR) and Triple H is nailed with the Codebreaker. That's right kids, Raw ends with Big Show and Chris Jericho standing over the unconscious bodies of John Cena, Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Bet ya didn't see that coming.

Overall, a great Raw. Ozzy & Sharon did a fine job as guest hosts, the crowd was awesome the whole night and every match delivered... minus the Diva Battle Royal, but again, look at the division right now, what do you expect? The only guy being regularly used who didn't get much time tonight was Jack Swagger, who was limited to walking down the ramp during the Divas match, I expect to keep up with his creepy frat boy-esque stalking of Eve, but I have no idea where they're going with that. Hopefully he's back in the Miz/Bourne/US Title mix in the coming weeks. Also tonight, good hype for Survivor Series, as I mentioned, both Triple Threats got hyped, a Team Kofi vs. Team Orton match appears to be in the works, so right now the PPV is looking rock solid.

Can't wait to see what ECW and Smackdown have to offer this week, hopefully we'll start to see their contributions to Survivor Series as well. You know what I miss about Survivor Series? Team names. Back in the day, we used to get stuff like The Visionaries vs. The Vipers or The Rude Brood vs. Roddy's Rowdies. How about The Ruthless Roundtable vs. The Peep Squad? Or Team 619 vs. The Animals? Just throwing it out there!


  1. When they showed the replay of Jericho getting the pin over Cena, the slide into position from the Attitude Adjustment was nifty... like there was no wasted motion. It was a thing of choreographed beauty.

  2. The Rastafarians vs. The Legend Killers! The Straight-Edge Soldiers vs. The Fightin' Irish! The All-American Americans vs. The Dream Team somehow!

    Can we get Jesse Ventura back in a pilgrim costume for one night only?