Monday, August 3, 2009

Raw Thoughts - August 3, 2009

Everything starts off just fine, Jeremy Piven drives into the arena, and then show immediately takes a turn for the worse when he opens the trunk and out pops Dr. Ken from The Hangover. I thought this man took the Hippocratic Oath: "do no harm" - apparently that doesn't apply to wrestling fans. Piven would've been perfectly capable of pulling this off on his own (despite the "SummerFest" flub that I'm sure will be what all the dirtsheets pinpoint as the problem with this show), but Dr. Ken completely ruined the opening segment by being the most annoying person to show up on WWE television since... ever? Old school fans might point to the nerdy Jameson, friend to The Bushwhackers, but Ken may even have him beat.

The opening is already bad, with Piven's new movie, The Goods, being shamelessly plugged at least three times in the opening five minutes, but thankfully The Miz comes out to save the segment. We get the first funny line of the night when Piven refers to him as "Les Miz," but I think I'd rather be Prisoner 24601 than to watch the rest of this segment... yeah, I just worked a musical reference into a wrestling review. John Cena makes an appearance, setting up our main event of Cena vs. Miz in a Lumberjack Match, but if Miz loses, he's banned from SummerSlam and off Raw for good. Oh no.

By the way, did you know The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard is in theaters August 14?

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne was way too short and dragged down by a completely dead crowd. Swagger hit some stiff offense and a nasty Gutwrench Powerbomb for the win, but wasn't done there and continued to beat down Bourne after the match. MVP made the save before he could hit another powerbomb, and it looks like that feud is back on. Speaking of Evan Bourne, go buy his new t-shirt, because it is awesome and so is Evan Bourne.

Piven & Big Show were fun backstage, but again, Dr. Ken killed it.

Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James & Gail Kim was actually a pretty good Divas match, though that's not much of a surprise considering they're the four best female wrestlers on Raw. Jillian & The Glamazon surprisingly pick-up the win, that's gotta be Beth's first win in months, right? Good for her, she deserves it.

By the way, did you know The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard is in theaters August 14?

Triple H vs. Legacy wasn't that bad, but incredibly disappointing. Once I saw that this match was the 10pm main event, I knew that meant no surprise return and that bad things were going to happen at the end of the show, I was right on both accounts. For a handicap match, it did what it needed to do and we saw the incredibly rare sight of Triple H looking weak. Commentary was bugging me though, with Michael Cole saying things like "Triple H could do it here!" and all I could keep thinking is that Triple H should be demolishing these two. Triple H says he's going to make one phone call to even the odds, hmm...

Carlito vs. Primo was dreadfully boring, and a damn shame since these guys have really been working hard and have upped their game in the last year. Carlito seemed ready to strike out on his own once again, but now I think it may have been a bad idea to split them up. Crowd wasn't into this at all, some people even going so far as to boo Primo when he was getting momentum? Man, I know the show hasn't been great, but the crowd really isn't helping here.

By the way, did you know The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard is in theaters August 14? Alright, I'll go see the damn movie if you just leave me alone about it!

How sad is it that the first amusing segment of the night comes from Chavo Guerrero? First, he was hilarious backstage by confusing Jeremy Piven with Joe Rogan, and then he thought Dr. Ken was the guy from Heroes, finally some comedy! Things got even better when Chavo had to fight Hornswoggle's cousin, Mark-Swoggle! Mark Henry looked ridiculous in the Hornswoggle hat, had the crowd into it and turned one of the worst parts of Raw the last few weeks into something really enjoyable. That's right Mark Henry, Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero were the highlight of this week's Raw. Seriously.

Triple H makes his phone call and gets hung up on? Oh I see where this is going, we're going to have to order SummerSlam if we want to see that guy who happens to make programming come to a halt.

Next up is Raw's second (and last) enjoyable segment, Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston for the United States Championship. Chris Jericho is on commentary at ringside, being amazing as usual and even mentioned his latest accomplishment, being the #1 trending topic yesterday on Twitter. Kofi and Show actually had a pretty enjoyable match, especially when Kofi hit his double leg drop off the top rope, that was insane. Lame DQ finish aside, JeriShow continue to dominate WWE and I'm beginning to wonder if this pairing might actually turn out to be better than Rated Y2J would have.

John Cena vs. The Miz is up next and holy crap, did Jeremy Piven just turn heel? Piven reveals he's a big Randy Orton fan and that he handpicked the lumberjacks - Orton, Legacy, Carlito, Jack Swagger, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters and... yep, that's it. Raw's undercard is so thin, they don't even have enough heels to surround the ring in a Lumberjack Match. John Cena gets demolished by the lumberjacks at ringside, but still wins the match. Poor Miz, a month ago it looked like he could be the next main event heel, now I'm wondering if he's even going to have a job tomorrow. I've seen people excited about the idea of him moving to Smackdown, but I'm starting to worry that we may have a situation similar to Christian in 2005, someone getting extremely over, then WWE does nothing with him. Maybe I'm wrong, SD is light on top heels, there's CM Punk and... CM Punk, so maybe this will be Miz's opportunity to get his shot, but after this debacle, I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Jeremy Piven manages to pull off the most impressive feat of the night by diving off the top rope with a crossbody and having Cena catch him, but then Dr. Ken is right there to ruin that too. Ken tries to be Cena's buddy, but gets tossed onto the heels at ringside and hits his head HARD on the floor. That definitely hurt.

Wow... that was bad. Really, really bad. Someone tried to tell me on Twitter that at least it wasn't ZZ Top. Uh, I'd take a month of ZZ Top-like shows before watching this trainwreck again. It's especially disappointing because I was really looking forward to having Jeremy Piven in charge, but between the horrible crowd, the short matches, the constant shilling of Piven's movie, Dr. Ken and the handling of Miz, this was probably the worst Raw of 2009. I hate sounding like a smark, I hate being overly negative, but I didn't start Kick-Out!! to be a cheerleader for WWE, I started it for a fair assessment of pro wrestling. So let's be fair and honest and just say it: tonight's show sucked. I hope this was just a minor setback and they can get Raw back on track next week with Sgt. Slaughter in charge... speaking of Sarge, did you know GI Joe is in theaters this Friday!?


  1. Didn't Sarge get let go by WWE during one of their more recent budget cuts on the "I know I promised you lifetime employment, but um, youuuuuuuu're fiiirrrrrrred" line?

    That said, show sucked. Beyond HHH putting Legacy over as a legitimate threat about 6 months too late, nobody went over in any meaningful way. Crowd was incredibly dead, but I guess that happens when you book a casino in a shitty economy.

    Miz got buried. Totally, unquestionably buried. A 12-on-1 handicap match and he lost in the same amount of time he lost last week one-on-one, on top of the Bash loss, the post-Bash RAW loss...why bother? They spent 10 weeks building up Miz to be a loudmouth who can't beat anybody?

  2. Incredibly disappointing show in nearly every aspect.

    And for the record, no grown man should EVER have a pacifier in his mouth in public, even if it's used to shut up an annoying mouth like Dr. Ken. No amount of "bling" on a pacifier makes this OK.


    Never ever ever ever ever.

  3. The Goods in theatres August 14th, I think you forgot that

  4. Oh no, you're right!

    Attention Kick-Out!! Readers: "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" starring 3-time Emmy Award-winning actor Jeremy Piven, will be in theaters August 14th! That's "The Goods" in theaters 8/14!

  5. And don't forget about "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard", it'll be in theaters August 14th!

  6. I can only imagine how bad that movie probably is. fyi that's THE GOODS, in theatres AUGUST 14TH.

  7. Man, I wish I knew when "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" comes out in theaters. Anyone know? C'mon, help a girl out!

  8. I think it's sometime before SummerFest.

  9. I was awaiting the storyline where The Miz would be barred from a concert called SummerFest and that a lot of great vignettes would come out of it. But alas.

  10. The squash match between Swagger and Bourne was horrible. Looking forward to seeing Swagger and MVP though.

    Glad to see The Glamazon back on Raw.

    Triple H vs. Priceless was decent. Hated the end. Seriously? Trips loses after taking both guy's finishers and then cuts a promo? Come on.

    Is it just me or was that awkward submission move by Show to Kingston actually kind of cool? Hm. Might just be me.

    I'm not a Piven fan, but I do love that he turned heel. To me, it was very Piven-ish and not the expected celebrity good guy we're used to.

    John Cena got the win. Ugh. Think you're right about Miz. SD! could use another heel. They seemed to have unofficially made Jericho a 'RAW' guy. Funny that SD! was so heavy on heels not too long ago.

    I hope the Sarge can do a little better next week.

    Oh, and didn't catch when The Goods is out. Someone get back to me on that.

  11. I for one was disappointed that the person Triple H called hung up on him, because I can't imagine who it'd be other than his former bodyguard Mr. Hughes. How else is Helmsley going to fight off that simpleton "Wildman" Marc Mero?

  12. I love Piven and was very disappointed with RAW. I didn't expect him to keep talking about his movie like that and I did't expect Dr. Ken to be so damn annoying.

    At first I was excited that the phone call wasn't to Shawn I was hoping maybe it would be Xpac and then Shawn could also come in as well to really even the odds. I know the rest of DX is under lock and key over in TNA so he really only has the two options Xpac and HBK. So when he got hung up on I was a lil disappointed.

    The Divas match was a good match but I thought we were short on heel divas and we were gonna see a Gail Kim heel turn but there was absolutely no continuation last night. Gail Kim hit some very impressive moves last night she needs a title run too bad RAW is stuck with that P.O.S. Divas title.

    Having the Big Slow intimidate Piven into giving him a US Title match just to have him get DQ'ed was stupid and a waste of time IMOP why? Also if it was an all heel lumberjack match then why was Jericho and Big Slow not out there are they too good now all of a sudden?

    When it was announced earlier that if The Miz lost he'd be off of RAW I instantly thought ok thanks for taking the surprise out of this match because I figured he'd finally get a win over Cena to stay on RAW and boy was I wrong lol so now I'm very disappointed with the entire show.

    One would think if Jeremy Piven came out solo as Arie Gold this show would have been a million times better. Kind of looking forward to Sgt Slaughter next week but as much as I'm looking forward to that I'm also not looking forward to it lol IDK it could be good but it could also be even worse than last night lets cross our fingers shall we!

    However All that said Jeremy Piven is still hilarious and we should all go see The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard in theaters August 14th

  13. Somehow I have a feeling there will be a stip match on Superstars which erases the Miz result last night.

  14. I just finished watching the show right now, and I was annoyed as soon as Piven and Dr. Ken started screaming in the ring. I hoped only Ken would make a fool out of himself, but then Piven started going along with the shouting. It was horrible. The matches themselves weren't bad, IMO, and I enjoyed the actual wrestling, even though we have seen all of these matches in some way, shape, or form in the past. (And not too long ago in the past, actually.) It was just all those segments with Piven and Ken (save for the instance where Chavo was hilarious) that annoyed me to no end. Oh, and seeing The Miz lose was lame too. It's a shame too, because I got Summerslam tickets a few months ago, and the one guy on Raw I wanted to see is now banned from the event and the venue! Lame!

    Overall, I'd say I enjoyed the last installment of Raw for the most part. The wrestling wasn't bad, but the constant movie plugs, backstage segments, and Dr. Ken really brought down the quality of the show.

    BTW, do you know what I'll be doing on August 14? Why, I'll be watching Friday Night SmackDown!

  15. Raw was on such a roll of late had some better matches, Kofi, Evan, Swagger and MVP's matchs being standouts and some really good hosts lets hope this was just an off day, i think they should just let the celeb hosts talk to Chris Jericho and Santino and all will be at least passible

    And can you believe that HHH lost 'almost' clean i don't if only he missed out the sarcastic 'maybe their just that good section' its stuff like that which makes Cody and Ted look kindda pethetic

    Here's hopin ECW and Smackdown can brighten my wrestling life again

    O when is The Goods coming out......